Struggles

Anyone else still struggling with the news of Robin Williams death?

I find it so interesting how one person can effect so many people, a stranger no less. Sure, he was a high profile celebrity with a resume a mile long, but hardly any of us personally knew him, and yet here we are mourning with those who actually did know him personally.

He had a way with humor. He brought joy, laughter and so many times outside of the movies, a sense of grace and humbleness most of those in Hollywood fail to possess. His charity causes and USO appearances were hugely under noted in his career but ask those who know of it and they can tell you that he was a man who took pride in the military and never hesitated to help children with cancer or rare diseases.

Then of course were his dark periods. It should be no surprise about his battles with addiction and alcohol. He was open and candid about them and was never one to boast about defeating his demons when he went through the public process of handling them and succeeding it would seem. But apparently, he couldn't defeat the biggest one he had.

Depression is a very real issue in the world. It effects more people than any other known disease (And yes, that IS what it is, not a state of mind or an emotion).People struggle daily with it and in many ways, both mentally and physically. You can't just stop being depressed, there is no switch to turn it off and on. Oddly enough statistics show that most outwardly happy people suffer from it. The humor is a facade, a decoy so to speak to keep the denial at bay and make people not notice.

This year I have had to personally deal with a death that was a result of depression. Yes, it was a suicide. However, I don't believe suicide to be the cause of death in that situation. Just as I refuse to say that Robin Williams died of suicide. He didn't. Nor did my friend of 11yrs whom I spoke with just a day before he passed away. Depression is what they died of.

Depression is a complicated Mental illness. It affects at least 35 million people in the USA alone. Chances are, you know someone struggling with it. Chances are, they've reached out to you once or twice. Chances are, you said the same thing they get told by the ones closest to them.

I hope he found peace at last.


-Brittnye

Welcome to Earth, Alyssa Jane.... (Her Birth Story, Long)

So unless you live under a rock, randomly found my blog for the first time tonight or just happen to be the under 10% who don't do anything social media related then it's no surprise or secret that our sweet family finally grew 2 weeks ago. Yes indeed, our sweet, beautiful and perfectly on time Alyssa Jane has arrived! Life the past 2 weeks has seemed to have flown by, hard to believe she's here (finally) or that I now have 2 girls!!!

The last 2 weeks of my pregnancy I was in prodromal labor or in simple English, false labor. This was super annoying as my body kept having contractions from 20min down to 5min apart non stop everyday. We went to L&D twice where the contractions would suddenly stop and wouldn't show up on the monitor yet they could feel them physically and I was slowly dilating and effacing more and more. I was miserable emotionally, I felt so dumb not knowing if I should go in or not. I also found out I was Group B positive which explained why I had an infection they couldn't find in early December that had everyone confused.

So Friday night, the 18th, Evan was supposed to be off work but got called in. Nan and Gary didn't want me to be alone so they invited Avery and I over for dinner and just to pretty much "babysit" me while Evan was at work since I wasn't feeling too well and was exhausted. I had napped hard earlier that day and my appetite was nowhere to be found all week which had Evan as usual, worried about me. We had dinner at Roadhouse where I barely ate my salad and potato and then went back to Mom and Dads to hang out and await Jarrod and Sarah. Once they showed up and started playing with Avery, my contractions started again but this time...they felt different...this time....they kinda hurt! I ignored them since I didn't think anything of it but over the next hour and a trip downstairs for fro-yo I was starting to think it may be time to call Evan home. Nan kept watching me and could tell something was up with me. I couldn't sit comfortably and would stand behind the chair and lean over it then walk up and down the hallway. I'm so stupidly stubborn sometimes and I didn't want to say anything to anyone because we had already had 2 false alarms. I txted Evan and when he called was trying to talk in code so they wouldn't hear me pretty much tell him "Hey, come get me, I think I'm in labor." (Again, I'm stubborn)

Evan showed up to which I just looked at Nan after talking to her and said we'd see them later. Gave hugs and said goodnight to Avery as she was staying with them and we headed to L&D yet again. We went home first, packed a bag for Avery, packed more for the hospital, took care of the cats and then headed to the hospital where I was in tears from the contractions which were 3min apart. Got checked in to L&D at 10:45pm and I kid you not, 20min later...everything stopped. Contractions disappeared, back pain, nausea...it all stopped. I was so mad and just drained over it all. The nurses suggested we walk so we spent an hour walking up and down the skybridge where I had the most painful contraction that literally stopped me dead and had me gasping for breath, crying and shaking. but it didn't last or continue. Went back to our room where the nurse said my OB wanted me to stay overnight just to be sure. She'd see me in the morning before I was discharged. So..Evan went to sleep and I stayed up all night frustrated that yet again, I wasted everyones time and swearing my body was against me. My nurse wasn't too nice or huge on communicating but would check in every few hours and around 2am asked if I wanted a sleep aid which I declined. She came back at 3am with a tech and had me fill out paperwork which I assumed were my discharge papers since the monitor wasn't picking anything up even though I was feeling a few contractions here and there but nothing painful or notable to time.

The tech came back shortly after I signed the paperwork and started an IV. When I asked her why they were starting an IV when I was being discharged in a few hours she just said my OB ordered it and I was doing lab work anyway so it was easier if she just did my IV. I was too tired to care at that point. Around 5:30 they came and took a ton of blood from me, at 6am my OB walked in with my new nurse Megan, who had been my nurse the first time we came to L&D and remembered me so I was excited to see her (she's amazing, funny and super sweet). My OB just smiled and told me it was up to me what would happen next. I had been in prodromal labor for 13days, she knew I was miserable and it was my due date so I could stay or we could go home and see what happens but I was at a 4 and fully effaced so it was all down to when my water would break. So I looked at Evan and just started crying and said "I want to stay, I'm tired." and she literally looked at the nurse and said "alright, let's break her water and then let her rest for the morning, she'll have this baby fast." So, they immediately broke my water and the contractions started within 5 minutes from that, they painful ones and yet again, the monitor wasn't picking anything up.

I mentioned how amazing my nurse was right? Well, seriously, she was! She watched the monitor then my breathing and finally said "Let's get an internal monitor going I bet your contractions are too low for the belly monitors to read." she set up the internal monitor and the screens lit up with contractions 3 min apart and strong! They then started my 1st round of heavy antibiotics for GBS in which I suddenly couldn't stop shaking or crying or almost seizing from the pain. Seriously, it was the most intense pain, burning sensation up my arm and shoulder. I've never felt that kind of pain and Evan thought it was all from the contractions but it was from the IV. Evan freaked out and called the nurse but it wasn't Megan who came in, it was the night nurse and she simply looked at Evan and I and said "it can't be that bad, it's a strong antibiotic and it'll be over in 5min, just try to relax" and with that she walked out of the room. SERIOUSLY?! Glad it wasn't an emergency.

So I cried and screamed and Evan rubbed my back and tried to help me through the antibiotic which did finish shortly after the rude nurse came in. Megan came in soon after and got me some ice and let me know I was at a 6 and doing good and set a goal time of 3pm to have Alyssa. She was so set that I would be in my PP room by 4pm and stayed and chatted with us for awhile. I told Evan to go on and take a shower and take Averys bag to mom and dads since it would be awhile yet and as tired as I was, was going to try to sleep. Megan told him it wouldn't be anytime soon and since he was still in his Peterbilt uniform should go get cleaned up.

I rested off and on between contractions, they were getting more intense but I was breathing through them and not really freaking out like I did with Avery's labor. With those contractions I couldn't breathe or relax and had got my epidural super early to help which ended up being a spinal block so I was numb and dead from the waist down by the time I was a 4. Here I was at a 6 and doing good so I decided to wait an hour before getting my epidural so Evan could be back. Yeah, he takes forever which I should have known better so I got my epidural while he was gone. My body started shaking again and even with Megan helping me sit still it took the anesthesiologist 3 attempts because I kept moving and shifting right as he would try to stick it. Once he got it and set up the pack on my IV he handed me the button and said to just hit it when I needed more help with the pain. Megan had the bed propped up so I was in a yoga sitting position to help Alyssa transition lower faster and checked me again (It was 11:30) and I was at a 7! Then we came up with a plan to freak Evan out since he was taking forever. When he walked in all fresh and clean and full of food, I was propped up in bed with a pillow in front of me while Megan was sitting next to me and when she saw him she said "Oh my gosh! You missed you wife in action, your Alyssa is so beautiful!! Did you see her in the nursery?!" In which I added "You missed it all! I had her so fast! What took you so long!?"

His face was priceless. He seriously stood there in shock and thought I had already had her. Megan and I laughed so hard at him before we then has to explain to him I was still very much pregnant but it would be soon and he missed helping with the epidural.

Megan left to get my second round of antibiotics, when she came back Evan and I both asked her a million questions about the meds because I was not going to take it again if I had to feel that much pain. When Megan scolded us for not saying something earlier Evan explained what the other nurse had said and done and Megan just shook her head and said she'd make sure it wasn't so bad. She literally stayed at the IV and pushed fluids with the anitbiotics to flush it through my arm faster. It didn't hurt nearly as bad and after it was done she said she'd let Dr. Dooley know how it affectd me but doubted I would need another round since I was so close to having Alyssa.

So during all this, I'm feeling the contractions more and more. I'm breathing more through them and grabbing the rail for support. When Megan asked if I was feeling them I would tell her Yes and she would press my button but nothing was happening....so she'd press the button on the pack at my iv stand and I'd go numb on my left side for only a few minutes. Pretty much, my epidural had failed. It wasn't taking effect.

Oddly enough though, I was handling the contractions just fine. I wasn't in any real pain, just uncomfortable. They didn't last long enough to really hurt or make me tense up and I was still sitting up right and moving my legs and just waiting for the next one.

Here's where it gets a little embarressing for me. My contractions were getting super intense but along with them came this crazy pressure in my butt, like I needed to go to the bathroom type feeling. It kept getting stronger and stronger and I finally looked at Evan and told him how I needed to go to the bathroom before I had an embarressing accident!! He didn't feel comfortable with me getting up so he called for Megan. When she walked in I was almost begging her to help me get tot he bathroom because I didn't want to have an accident. She just laughed and assured me it was Alyssa's head, not the other thing. I didn't believe her though and started arguing with her about what I was feeling! I mean, I would know the difference right?! She was trying not to laugh at my freaking out and finally said she'd check me to see where I was at. To which I was at a 10 and Alyssa was almost there! She told me to lay on my left side to help move Alyssa shift a bit while she went to get Dr. Dooley.  She came back in and had me go back on my back and we'd do a practice push. Evan and her started counting me off for the practice push and once I pushed they both said to stop.

Evan just kept saying "Her head! Her head is out, don't push Britt!". Megan ran to the door and asked for help when several nurses came in with Dr. Dooley who was getting a gown on. She looked at me and said "We do our practice pushing? We ready to have this baby? It's only 1:27, your beating Megans goal time!" Megan came back to my leg and told her "No, no more practice pushing, she's already crowned!" and then I was swarmed by everyone telling me not to push yet. (not so easy when every contraction felt like I was already pushing) One Tech waited for Dr. Dooley to get in postion then said "Okay, let's time these pushes and have this baby girl." Yeah.....

I pushed 2 short times and at 1:32pm Alyssa Jane Hartfield was placed in my arms. Healthy, perfect, a full head of dark hair and weighing in at 7lbs 4oz and 19.5inches long. On her due date no less. :)

Proud Daddy.

We did it!

Avery, Mom and Dad arrived shortly afterwards. Avery was afraid of her sister and didn't want to get near her at all. She also didn't like Nina taking pictures or Pawpa holding the baby.

Easy Labor, Easy Delivery, and 2wks down, she is simply an easy baby. Avery is no longer afraid of her, in fact, she loves her sister and loves helping out anyway she can. It's so sweet to watch these two together, seriously. We're so blessed. It's just ridiculous. :)

Sisters.

Thankful: Day 24-28

Yeah another quick batch of Thankfuls to catch up, hey! at least I am actually sticking to it this time!


Day 24:
  I am Thankful for productivity. Trust me, it's not so easy when your 8m pregnant to stay up to date with holidays, events and the daily grind. It was far easier with Averys pregnancy because well, other than all the complications, hospital stays, etc. If I was tired, I simply went home and took a nap. If I didn't feel like cleaning, it was alright because nobody would drive to Fort Worth randomly and see the mess. This time around, I can't just drop everything and lay in bed because Avery simply won't allow it. :) I love this house so I take more pride in it so therefore, I clean it. Thanks to burst of energy and Averys enthusiasm I have managed to clean the house, her room, organize both, decorate for Christmas, wrap presents (which means I shopped ahead!) and have the house presentable for random company, which I love. And all BEFORE Dec. 1st. Now if only we were more prepared for Little Miss's upcoming arrival (seriously, we have NOTHING for her yet!).

Day 25:
 I am Thankful for my In-loves. They are by far above and beyond amazing. We had plans to make this past weekend all about the girls room getting ready and getting the house Baby ready but Evans truck broke down the night before. Which meant, we were down to 1 vehicle! Now we have 2 non-running vehicles in the car port and we're running out of time to get things in order for baby. Both his parents were at our house bright and early Saturday morning and spent all day working on vehicles, painting walls, decorating, cleaning and keeping Evan and I calm. So selfless and so in control when things seem scary. Sure, we didn't get what we planned done but we got a lot accomplished. So typical of them and the list of times they have just come to our rescue from financial help, advice, words of encouragement and wisdom, to random days of fun and overall family time. ENDLESS. I know some people find it weird how close I am to them, which is sad to me for the friends I have who can't stand their in-laws. I truly love mine and would be lost without them! How can your marriage work if a set of parents are not included or even liked. (I know there are some cases where it's not on the couple but the parents but still...) I've been beyond Blessed with the family I married into, never dreamed I'd have it so good.

Day 26:
 I am Thankful for my BLENDS. What's a blend? A Blend is a friend you've made through your Blog. Between this blog and my HLC blog (which has sadly been neglected in a horrible way) I have made several lasting friendships with some amazing women who I've never met face to face but can count on anytime! Some have turned into face to face meetings and fun trips. Love my sweet blends.

Day 27:
 I am Thankful for Netflix. Yes, we joined the bandwagon late in the game but man! LOVE IT! Avery can watch all her shows without interruption and those annoying and sometimes not kid appropriate commercials. Not too mention on my phone while we're in the car.

Day 28:
 I am Thankful for Bed rest. Yes, yet again I am on modified bed rest until our appt. tomorrow where I get a neat growth sono then another chat with the OB to see where we stand and what the next 2wks entail for us. I am not one of those who likes to be confined too long in the house or off their feet. However, I am listening to my OB, I am following my restrictions and as much as I hate it and am itching to be able to drive again or be on my feet for longer than walking to the bathroom and back to the couch or bed...I'm trying my best to see the positive in it. It forces me to slow down, see how amazing Evan is, and most importantly that the world isn't going to end if I don't do laundry for a few days or let the dishes pile up or even when I have to swallow my pride and ask for help from others.

Hooray for rainy days!!!

The new year is officially off and running. I've been so busy with getting things back on schedule for Avery and getting the entire family into a routine since being lazy and enjoying free time is becoming a bit over-excessive in my opinion. Avery has been back at MDO and I think she may have missed it more than we did. We're so blessed to have such a wonderful church home where she also gets to go to school at with some sweet friends and amazing teachers.

My monkey girl.

I'm slowly getting used to my glasses, I've loved all the compliments I've received and the only thing I have noticed is when I'm not wearing them, my eyes water a lot. Weird? maybe, but it beats headaches everyday. I've also been down the last 3 days with a pesky cold, started out more sinus related and a raspy voice then hit me hard. Today was the first day since Sunday that I left the house not in jammies. I must say that getting hot tea from the kuerig has been sooo helpful and has made me love this little machine 10x's more than I already did. (THANKS again Mom and Dad)

Other than that life is getting busy yet blissfully the same. Avery and Bailey keep me entertained in the evenings and help the nights fly by since Evan works from 4pm-1am.

Besties: Avery and Bailey

Megan's wedding is coming in April and I am busy with playing hostess for her Bridal shower next weekend and all the Maid of honor tasks that are somewhat popping up everyday. :) I'm excited though, Megan's been waiting for a long time to get this wedding to happen and it's going to be so beautiful!! At least wedding season hasn't freaked me out yet. I only have 3 weddings so far this year and with 20 friends currently pregnant, yes TWENTY!!!! Well...19 since one sweet baby was born this week. I seem to have a TON of baby showers the next few months. Avery and I went to a Sweet friends shower on Saturday and Avery was so good for me. As long as she knew she was going home with a balloon and got a cupcake she didn't complain. ;)

mmmmmmmm

Speaking of babies (No, not pregnant, patience people) I go to my doctor tomorrow to check out everything and go over my medical history and get set up on non OTC prenatal vitamins. We tried last month and this month and if I don't get a positive PT next month we will put baby #2 on hold until May or June and focus on other life events we've been planning for. We're determined not to stress over this or become alarm setting temp checkers as Evan dubs hardcore TTC'ers. Gods got it all lined up for us so whatever happens happens and tomorrows appointment will answer a few fears of mine for our journey back into pregnancy and babyhood.

So there you have it my sweet readers. Life in a update. I promise to blog better I just feel more into my HLC blog these days since comments and followers are kinda dwindling down and I'm also trying to not put so much on FB so this blog can be more fresh and new on the news and life dealings because who wants to reread about something they already know about?

Anyone have anything exciting planned for the weekend?

XOXO- Brittnye

White & Nerdy

Got my glasses today!!

I didn't really think there was much of a difference until I was driving back home from work tonight after the sun had gone down. WOW, oh WOW. Everything was clear and not fuzzy and I wasn't having to squint against the lights from the oncoming traffic. I will say checking my blind spots and things coming up from my peripheral line of vision terrifies me because it's like something popping out of nowhere since my glasses make things look bigger for me. I'm sure I'll get used to this though.

Yeah, I was low key and had no makeup on...

Have you been following up with with my Healthy Living blog? If not, take a sec and follow it and read a few entries. I'm having a giveaway next week and am really getting excited about it.

Healthy Living Chick Blog

Avery goes back to MDO tomorrow after a month of being gone. I wish she would be completely potty trained before she goes back but at the same time, I am super proud of how well she is doing as it is. I'm aware it's a process and she gets so excited when she is successful but I think we're going to have to back off a little and take this slower. The more we ask her to try or to go sit on the potty the more she would get anxious and almost panicked over it. So not worth her regressing and taking a longer time to complete.

That's all I really have update wise. Gus is purring up a storm and giving me those "sexy" eyes which means he wants my lap free and clear so he can snuggle and since Avery is down and I have nothing important to do as of now...I may just head to bed with a book and let him have at it so I'll have to stay put and go to sleep instead of stay up too late and be tired tomorrow.

Happy Hump day, we're almost to the weekend.

-Brittnye

Randomness is Bliss, right?

I know, she's pretty awesome.

So this week was pretty basic in boring routine except we started the big challenge of Toddlerhood with Avery. Oh yeah, we started Potty Training!! I'll spare the details but she has been doing better than I thought she would. few accidents the first day but by day 3 she doesn't need to be asked or followed constantly and she runs to the potty. However, that's with going teetee. Avery is terrified to go poopie in the potty. I guess I need to research more on it but she literally runs and hides if she has to go poopie but once she goes poopie she knows where it has to go "in the potty" she has been awesome at letting us know she needs a pull up on to do her business (THANK YOU LORD FOR NOT HANDING ME THAT MESS) and then we go to the big potty and flush the poopie...now, if I can just get her to see that going both teetee and poopie in the potty is the same happiness and excitement level.

I also had my eye appointment on Tuesday. I now have a temp pair of glasses until my new ones come in next week! I must say I'm glad I went. It's been over 6 years since I had glasses due to migraines I would get from a seizure disorder I had for years but once my seizures stopped the migraines did too so I stopped wearing glasses. About a year ago I noticed that I would get headaches at night. I figured it was from being a new mommy and lack of sleep. Then a few things started happening and frequent enough that I knew it wasn't from fatigue. During our trip over the Christmas break it finally caused enough alarm to Evan and I that he made me make an appointment to be safe.

Pretty much I have a slight condition with my right eye that can easily be corrected with glasses. After a year or so I may no longer even need them. Basically, my eyes are fighting each other and need to learn to relax when I focus on something up close. Like reading or driving at night..the longer I'm looking at something the more my eyes fight each other, then comes the blurry vision, eye strain and burning which leads to a headache. Avery told me they make me look like a teacher :) Good thing the temps look like my new frames.

(Again, my daughter is just awesome.)

I guess I have no big entry for this week. We've been homebodies with the potty training process and my eye appointment was my biggest outing this week. I know, I live a wild and crazy life. *shrug*

I'll end with yet another awesome picture of Avery, she was being super sneaky trying to not go to bed last night when I caught her in the hallway wearing one of Evans work hats. "What do you think you are doing out of bed?" I asked her in which she put the hat on her head and raised her head in a matter of fact way and then in the most adorable little bossy way a 3 year old could say. "Mommy, I no go bed! I go work wif daddy, kay!?" So of course I had to do what any good mommy would do....I went and grabbed my phone to take a picture of her.

I know, I know...

-Brittnye