Struggles

Anyone else still struggling with the news of Robin Williams death?

I find it so interesting how one person can effect so many people, a stranger no less. Sure, he was a high profile celebrity with a resume a mile long, but hardly any of us personally knew him, and yet here we are mourning with those who actually did know him personally.

He had a way with humor. He brought joy, laughter and so many times outside of the movies, a sense of grace and humbleness most of those in Hollywood fail to possess. His charity causes and USO appearances were hugely under noted in his career but ask those who know of it and they can tell you that he was a man who took pride in the military and never hesitated to help children with cancer or rare diseases.

Then of course were his dark periods. It should be no surprise about his battles with addiction and alcohol. He was open and candid about them and was never one to boast about defeating his demons when he went through the public process of handling them and succeeding it would seem. But apparently, he couldn't defeat the biggest one he had.

Depression is a very real issue in the world. It effects more people than any other known disease (And yes, that IS what it is, not a state of mind or an emotion).People struggle daily with it and in many ways, both mentally and physically. You can't just stop being depressed, there is no switch to turn it off and on. Oddly enough statistics show that most outwardly happy people suffer from it. The humor is a facade, a decoy so to speak to keep the denial at bay and make people not notice.

This year I have had to personally deal with a death that was a result of depression. Yes, it was a suicide. However, I don't believe suicide to be the cause of death in that situation. Just as I refuse to say that Robin Williams died of suicide. He didn't. Nor did my friend of 11yrs whom I spoke with just a day before he passed away. Depression is what they died of.

Depression is a complicated Mental illness. It affects at least 35 million people in the USA alone. Chances are, you know someone struggling with it. Chances are, they've reached out to you once or twice. Chances are, you said the same thing they get told by the ones closest to them.

I hope he found peace at last.


-Brittnye

Should have gone with Cautious....

Today has been brutal.

I was so excited to share with you my joyous news tonight and instead, I'm fighting back tears and internally punishing myself for yet again getting my hopes up. Many of you, who are sweet, devoted readers may remember awhile back when I talked about us getting a dog someday and how we were just waiting to find the right one. Well, last week, I found him. "Goldie"was a stray found and taken to the Denton  Animal Shelter and would be available today if not reclaimed. He caught my attention and my heart quite quickly. 6-8 years old, male, neutered Golden Retriever. Or as I call my dream dog.

I talked it over with Evan almost jokingly but instead, he asked more about him and once he saw how excited I was to show him pictures and talk about him he too was hooked on the idea. We emailed the director who answered several questions and asked us questions, she was excited for us to come this morning and get "Goldie". I posted it on FB, I shared his picture I even wrote on the shelters wall about how excited we were to get him and bring him home. We cleaned the house, organized, made plans for how to introduce Gus and Paris, bought food, a collar, leash, crate, etc all ready for this morning.

We arrived at the shelter to see "Goldie" playing with a few other dogs and wagging his huge tail in excitement, I was so happy to see him and know he was ours! We went inside, checked in and waited our turn as there were 5 people also in the lobby. Then someone asked a simple enough question to someone else as Evan and I told the officer we were  there to meet Amy and sign our paperwork for "Goldie".

"What?! I'm here for Goldie!" Said this older woman sitting in a seat and staring at us in suprise. This woman walked in directly in front of us and I signed in after her. When Amy came into the office the woman stood up hurriedly and let Amy and the officer know that she was there to pick up Goldie and she had been there first. I was flabbergasted. Was this lady really going to be so rude?!

Amy looked at us and asked if I was Brittnye, I said yes and she smiled and let me know how happy she was to finally meet us and how excited she was to have me start volunteering next month (Something I start on March 10th). Then the woman made another comment on how she hoped they weren't holding animals for friends of workers.....*sigh* I just met Amy, we don't know her personally at all.

The officer was not as friendly as Amy, and said they didn't hold animals and it was a first come first serve basis. He then had us write our names down on a piece of paper, folded them and had Amy draw a name to see who got "Goldie". My heart broke as she read the other womans name and not mine.

Just like that, my early birthday present from Evan was taken from me. All with the dog being in my sight! I just sttod there not sure what to do while Evan rubbed my back. Amy handed the woman the paperwork and asked if we wanted to look at the other dogs available, which we reluctantly did. Since I follow the FB page, I knew who was available and none of the other dogs tugged at me like "Goldie" had. when we went into the dog room and walked down a few kennels Evan grabbed me asked if I was okay to which I started crying my eyes out. I know, seems stupid to cry over this, my main concern was he would be adopted which he was but still....we did so much to make the house ready for him and it was like we were bringing home a new baby. I was that excited about it and I waited all weekend to allow myself to get to that point of letting my guard down to have everything be changed in an instant.

So I cleaned myself up, we looked at a few cats and then went back out to the yard to watch the dogs and play with a few. The woman came outside and started asking a volunteer about "Goldie". She didn't even know his story or if he was neutered. She had seen him on petfinder after her husband had told her to look for another Golden after theirs passed away 6 months ago. The fact that she lives in the country and has had other goldens made me feel a little better....but this woman then had the gall to approach us and ask us what we had planned to call him. When Evan told her we were going to call him Samson, she made this weird face and said "Oh. hmm well, we're naming him matador but Matt for short." She had heard we had a child and then said "We live in Gainesville, you can come play with him if you'd like!"

BLESS my husband and his sweet heart because after that I wanted to be rude to her, I wanted to make her feel low and throw Avery into the conversation for a kick in her own chest for taking a dog from a toddler but I didn't. I just smiled and wished her the best and went back to chatting with the volunteers and Amy. I seriously don't know if the woman was trying to be rude or intentionally hurtful but it just shocked me.

We got in the car and I just told Evan to ignore my tears on the way home. I truly am thankful for his sweet words of encouragement and understanding, he knows my heart so well and he knows just how badly I wanted this dog. A dog. I never go crazy over dogs, I've always been a cat person and the last time I owned a dog was 2003! Something lately though has me wanting one so bad!!

We looked at some Golden rescues today but it's 2-300$ to adopt and the process is crazy. I also read on several sites that they won't adopt to a family with a child under 5 years of age.

Yeah, the hits kept coming.

Evans best friend drove in from Fort Worth soon after and we spent the afternoon with him. I was Thankful for the distraction because my mood went sour fast and I have had such a crummy afternoon. I'm hoping an early bed time after a nice hot bath can help me shrug this funk off. I hate feeling this sad and defeated!
Ugh.

Over & Out,
Brittnye