Wednesday, August 20, 2014


This week has been such an emotional roller coaster for me. To think I was laughing at friends over the summer as they got weepy-eyed and vented about how they were not ready for their babies to go to kindergarten.

Now I'm one of them. I know, I know. Spare your eye rolls and cynical comments, I'm not proud of these sniffles and misty eyed moments that I will admit, have evolved into the ugly cry (twice). Nobody said being a mother was easy and bless it, it's not!

I thought the newborn stage was hard enough. Seeing this tiny human you helped nurture and grow inside you, now being held in your arms and depending on you for EVERYTHING. Add that to your emotions all while your experiencing true love at first sight and what it feels like to have your heart living outside of your body. It's intense.

So now the last 5 years are coming ahead. On Monday, I will let Avery go out into the real world without me holding her hand or helping her make those tough decisions. It's all on her now, and that is unsettling. Did I teach her enough? Will she be okay? Is she as smart as the other kids? Will she remember her manners? The obnoxious uncertainties are ridiculous, I'm more than aware. However, it's where my head is at late at night.....

I can't be the only mother doing this to themselves, in fact, I know I'm not!

I'm sure the carpet by my bed is going to be worn pretty thin the next 5 days, Lord knows I've shed more tears and prayed harder than before Avery was born. I know she's covered, I know she will be fine and is going to make so many friends and learn so much. But for those moments in which she isn't...I just want to handle it for her and protect her from it. Selfishly.

I'm sure a month from now I'll be sitting with my morning coffee and scoffing at myself and how pathetic I am being while my kindergartner is busy being a rock star in both school and life.

Yeah.....Nobody said being a mother was easy and bless it, it's not.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014


Anyone else still struggling with the news of Robin Williams death?

I find it so interesting how one person can effect so many people, a stranger no less. Sure, he was a high profile celebrity with a resume a mile long, but hardly any of us personally knew him, and yet here we are mourning with those who actually did know him personally.

He had a way with humor. He brought joy, laughter and so many times outside of the movies, a sense of grace and humbleness most of those in Hollywood fail to possess. His charity causes and USO appearances were hugely under noted in his career but ask those who know of it and they can tell you that he was a man who took pride in the military and never hesitated to help children with cancer or rare diseases.
Then of course were his dark periods. It should be no surprise about his battles with addiction and alcohol. He was open and candid about them and was never one to boast about defeating his demons when he went through the public process of handling them and succeeding it would seem. But apparently, he couldn't defeat the biggest one he had.

Depression is a very real issue in the world. It effects more people than any other known disease (And yes, that IS what it is, not a state of mind or an emotion).People struggle daily with it and in many ways, both mentally and physically. You can't just stop being depressed, there is no switch to turn it off and on. Oddly enough statistics show that most outwardly happy people suffer from it. The humor is a facade, a decoy so to speak to keep the denial at bay and make people not notice.

This year I have had to personally deal with a death that was a result of depression. Yes, it was a suicide. However, I don't believe suicide to be the cause of death in that situation. Just as I refuse to say that Robin Williams died of suicide. He didn't. Nor did my friend of 11yrs whom I spoke with just a day before he passed away. Depression is what they died of.

Depression is a complicated Mental illness. It affects at least 35 million people in the USA alone. Chances are, you know someone struggling with it. Chances are, they've reached out to you once or twice. Chances are, you said the same thing they get told by the ones closest to them.

I hope he found peace at last.


Saturday, August 9, 2014


So now with summer winding down and coming to an end, reality is hitting me full force. 


 So many new things are starting in a matter of two weeks and whereas I felt prepared and in total control a mere 8 weeks ago, I feel like I'm running in circles with my head cut off now.

 Avery starts KINDERGARTEN on the 25th. 
 Alyssa Starts PRESCHOOL on September 2nd.
 I start a new JOB on the 26th at the PRESCHOOL.

 Yep. You read that right, I'm working again! Mind you, it's a small thing that more or less will allow me to stay distracted about my babies not being babies anymore and going crazy with boredom. Then again, I have to say it's such a God-Send. 

 I had just started talking to Evan about wanting to finally take some steps of taking myself more seriously and finally making an effort to put myself first. Small conversations late at night mind you, when my brain is going a million miles an hour rather than turning off so I can sleep. As usual he was super supportive and agreed with me which freaked me out, so I decided to seriously think and Pray over it. 

 What in the world would I do with two days a week kid free?! What is something I'd want to do after a 4yr working hiatus? Should I try for some night classes at NCTC? I could always step up my volunteering at the shelter more. Just lots to think and pray over... 

Well, withing a week of me half jokingly telling Evan I was thinking of working again or finding something to occupy my new found free time... I get approached by three people, about three separate job openings, at three places I love and frequently go to.

 How in the world does THAT happen?! 

 It was a pretty surreal week to say the least. My quiet times were full of things to surrender and seriously consider. All those pesky fears and doubts tried their best to make me turn down all the offers but in the end, God made it very clear where I needed to be planted. Where my heart would be happiest and where I could do more good and feel amazing at the end of the day. Then add this gem spoken to me from our Pastor. "God is sovereign in all of life's transitions. He gives you grace, he gives you direction and meets you in the middle." "Without a clear purpose you will tend to make choices based on circumstances, pressures and your mood at the moment." (In response to Romans 7:15-25 which was thrown at me repeatedly in a 2wk span)

 How can you ignore that?! 

 As soon as I accepted the offer my heart felt a little overwhelmed. So many people were happy and excited for and with me and I felt so much peace and reassurance about all these big changes happening to our little family. 

 So sure, I may be running around frantic trying to sort out what exactly needs to get done in the next 2wks before all these transitions start to take place, but at least my direction and path are clearly given and protected. Its reassuring on a number of levels. Doesn't mean I'm not going to cry a lot over my babies growing up so ridiculously fast, or have some trepidations for Avery as she enters a whole new normal. Or even Alyssa as she hits another crazy milestone and is put in the care of someone non family for the first time ever. (let it be known, both her teachers are friends and AMAZING woman and I trust them completely). 

 So many changes and I'm ready for each one. 


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