I love how lately in life I am having more "A-HA!" moments.
Little things captivate my mind and reel me into those deep "This is Life." conversations with God and I'm just so giddy over them. I know it's mainly because of Avery.....watching her experience life is just insane and knowing that I am her essential window to reality is even more insane. She is changing every day and is like a sponge! You see her react to the wind on her face for the first time, you hear her giggle when she hears her dad or Grand-dads voice, Her eyes light up or follow something....
It's just hard to understand people that say there is no God when you watch a baby learn about the world. How can anyone say there is no God? I promise you, have a child or watch a child born into this world and you will quickly see that there is no denying it.
I also find is utterly amazing how much I have changed as a person in 11 weeks. I think I knew deep down as soon as we found out we were pregnant again that I would start living and searching for Christ more and now it isn't as much of a struggle as it has been in the past. I've never had a rebel side to my faith, I always stayed positive and I still believe God knew what he was doing in allowing us our first pregnancy and taking it away the way he did, there is no anger, no regret, I gave that all to him but it did change me, it did affect me negatively and it did make me question my faith and it's validity.
I never strayed but I wasn't in it so to speak.....yet, I was that rock and pillar of strength and wisdom and nurturing for Evan on a spiritual level while he was my foundation and strength on a emotional and physical level. He knew I wasn't me and he allowed me to do my own thing but he still was my anchor.
When we were blessed with our second pregnancy and Averys arrival I prayed constantly, I was also so afraid that God wouldn't let me keep her like her did with our first pregnancy. I didn't want to get emotionally involved in the pregnancy, I told friends and family but regretted it. I paniced over everything I did or didn't do. Yet, I laid it all down to God and just told myself to be thankful for anytime he gives me with my baby.
Now here I am. I'm a mother to a BEAUTIFUL baby girl who couldn't be a bigger blessing or a miracle in herself. I'm at one of the peaks of my walk with Christ and am just or rather I feel just as much of a newborn as Avery in my walk. It's like the beginning of a new relationship, the first drop of a rollercoaster, the butterflies in the stomach, the seeing everything new and shiny and having no fear type of adrenaline.
When I get to share something with Avery and watch her innocence take it all in and witness her reactions I can't help but see me in front of God and him beaming down at me the way I beam down at her. That deep and breathtaking Awe is just so amazing and also bittersweet.
I hope this newness never fades.....