Tuesday, April 7, 2009

La La La La Can't hear you....

I made a commitment to myself after having Avery that this year I would stop being afraid of going after some things I want for myself. This year would be the year of a thousand changes for me. I always help others before I help myself and that is just because that's the kind of person I am, but it's also because if I can focus on other people....I won't have to deal with some HUGE insecurities and self confidence issues I have had since High School.

Mainly, going to school and getting my degree are the two huge things I am ready to do for myself but I always say I'll go for it next semester then it comes and goes and then I tell myself oh I'll go next semester...you get the giest...this has been going on for over 5 years!

I always have this voice in the back of my mind that talks me out of doing anything for myself and I always allow my cowardice and fear of failure get the better of me when this little voice gets going.

Well, I officially signed up for some night classes to help me on my way this morning and now, that little voice in me is back telling me "You're crazy, you can't do this, you don't have the time, you have a baby now! You're too stupid to go to college, how selfish of you."

....shut up, stupid voice......shut up.

I have been listening to this little voice for almost 5 years now and with Avery in the picture I told myself to tune that voice out and to think about what I want for myself as well as what I want for Avery, she deserves this just as much as I do. Evan has always tried to get me to go for it but also knows that my fear of failure is what has not allowed me to do anything. it can be almost crippling sometimes and with him being in school that has also hampered any ideas of me going to school but not anymore...

So now, with my already busy, hectic schedule I have added night classes starting next tuesday as well as morning communtiy service from 7am-9am.

If I can just tune the annoying voice out I'm pretty sure I can do this.......

I hope anyway.



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