Avery Claire Hartfield

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY!

Dear God,
 A year ago today you gave me the BIGGEST blessing of my life. You showed my husband and I what love creates and what love gives. I will never be able to put into words the joy you have given me in Avery the past 365 days. From every smile to giggle to every milestone and moments in awe. You have given me a life yet again and my debt to you seems to be unpayable. THANK YOU for my amazing little girl.

Thank you for choosing her for us and vice versa, for thinking we were prepared and capable of raising her, for giving us the energy on those sleepless nights, the stomach to handle to blow out diapers and spit ups that never ended, the patience when she couldn't stop crying and we were still figuring out what works. For the tears of joy, the tears of awe and the tears of knowing she's ours.

Thank you for showing me what Love is in so many unmeasurable moments, for the mornings in bed cuddling, the sweet sound of her first word (mama), her laugh, her toothy smiles, her happy hand clap when she knows she's done something great to even her shy shoulder shrug when she's guilty of doing something bad.

For her love in music and animals, for her awe in everything; the sky, the trees, grass, dirt...her innocence has in a way made me realize how much I was taking life for granted and showed me how I needed to slow down and actually take it all in.

Thank You for Blessing me so Richly.

Happy Birthday Munchkin, we love you so very vey much!

Greetings.

I promise you, I am still alive.

I never knew how dependant I was to our Macbook until it decided to crash on us. Then again, it can also be said that I never realized how many people depended on my blogs and updates to know how we were doing.

The Hartfield house has been crazy as usual. We ended up going to Missouri for Thanksgiving after all and that was due to a call for help from Evans day wed. night at 6pm saying he was broke down outside of OKC with a cat. We literally packed up Avery, my sister, Evan and myself and were on the road in less than 2 hours! Good thing we drove through the night, Avery had never been in a car or her car seat that long before and she THANKFULLY slept 89% of the way. The way back  however, took us 14 hours and once we got to OKC she was no longer happy about it. Bless her heart.

Still though, 5 states in 48 hours, WHEW!

I took my sister to Austin last Wed. too in one of the worst fog/rainy drives ever! I thought I was going to die a few times, no joke, truckers barrel through hwys no matter what the conditions! It was worth it though, I <3 Austin.

We also took Avery to the Texan Gaylord ICE! exhibit, she loved it! her little nose was so red when we got out of there though and the parkas they make you wear were huge on her. I'll post some pics soon, promise.

Let me see what else?.....

The rent house hunt is full blown now, Evan and I are so excited to move back to Denton. We went to the Tree lighting Thursday night and saw so many friends and loved ones some of whom we haven't seen in years! With Evans parents living on the square it just made it so much cooler to watch and hear the square from their bedroom window. I can't wait to come back home.

Avery turns 1 in 2 weeks, yikes!

OH YEAH! Avery is also WALKING now. She started doing it Friday when I would leave the room she was in she would cry and then suddenly after this took place a few times I heard a giggle only to find her walking to me in the kitchen! I screamed in excitement which caused her to topple and cry. haha

Now, she stands herself up and toddles towards Evan or me and sometimes she makes it and others she kinda gets tired half way and crawls the rest. Still, very exciting for our baby girl!!!

That time of year...

Avery will be 1 in 3 weeks. I don't know how to feel about this....
I look at her and feel beyond blessed to be her mom, how is it possible I had a life before her or that I was content? Life just doesn't seem right without her in it. She is getting so BIG, my daughter is a giant in comparison with 4 other 11 month olds we know, anyone know a good book I can weigh on her head to stop her?
 Sorry, just had a moment  since I just checked on her sleeping and got one of those "Ah-ha!" moments.

My sister, Desiree arrived from NC yesterday and is here until the 5th. I am soooo happy she is here. With all the stress and just all around junk going on in my life right now I needed someone and now, she's here. Plus, she gets some good Avery time in which she needs. So far we have gone book shopping and seen New Moon and Blind Side and that's in just two days! I love it when she is here.

So, since she is here I plan on not using her computer as much and getting some much needed family time in. So before I lose touch too much I wanted to share my THANKFUL list.

MY 2009 THANKFUL LIST

• My family- for all the stress, drama and craziness they give me I am Thankful to have them in my life.
• My friends- for the ones who have come and gone in my life to the new ones I have met this year, there is a purpose for every friendship and this year has by far given me the most important friendships I think I will need in my life.
• My health- having Avery at the very end of the year meant that I started this year at an all time low weight wise and gained more confidence in myself which has set off a healthy trend in my diet and way of living. I have several friends with health issues and I know I have taken my health for granted because I never paid much attention to it until this year.
• Our Troops- to willingly be away from their friends and family so that we can have the freedoms we have is truly a thing to respect and honor, I know there are people with other opinions on this topic but I am Thankful to all of them.
• My faith- God is truly a generous giver to me this year, the blessings I have had are at times over whelming for me to process and scary to think of at others due to how crazy my year has been but I know it's all thanks to his love and forgiveness for me. I have seen things differently with the situations handed to me and I am stronger and more grateful because of them.
• Evan-.....the past 3 months have been scary for us. Probably the scariest yet in our marriage but we're still fighting for it. I love you, I do not say it enough and for that, I am sorry. I am Thankful for your love, support, your faith and dedication to us and Avery. You're still my best friend and even though things are rough right now, I know we'll get through it.
• Avery- You are by far the brightest light in my life. The blessings you give me are daily and in the simplest forms; your smiles, your giggles, your kisses and sweet hugs fill my heart with more love and joy a person can think of. Watching you grow up is crazy to me, you're so smart. I have prayed for you since I was a little girl and yet, I never realized how lucky I would get with you as my baby. You make me happy and proud and I feel so complete with you.

AFK LIST

1. Our Macbook is sick and we might have to put it down! I'm kinda freaking out about losing ALL our pictures from 2007-present plus our 1800 songs on iTunes. Yeah, not cool.

1. Didn't get the job HOWEVER, they are waiting for me to get my GED, update my application then come January.....I may have a position waiting for me!!! He said my background was not his concern, he thinks I'm a great fit for the district. GAH!

1. Marriage Drama is a private matter but please, pray for Evan and I.

1. Getting LOTS of community service hours in, thus making my life with no internet more survivable.

1. My kids are making it hard to imagine finding another job but I have to. Why do they have to be so sweet and fun?

1. The hunt for the perfect rent house has begun and I am falling in love with Denton everytime we go driving around for a house. I can't wait to be home.

1. Thanksgiving is going to be a hard one(for me). Avery's first one and all our family will be spread out and not together for the first time in 4 years! I thought my sister was flying in so we made plans to be with my side of the fam and now she isn't coming and others in MY family are bailing out on the plan but Evan and I already commited. We could be going to MO with his mom and dad and would be only 2 hours from our dear friends the Dansby's but no....ARGH.

1. They are all labeled one on purpose. :P

Procrastination and Fear get you NOWHERE.

Today I got hit in the face with the biggest feeling of FAILURE. Which, then lead to a 3 hour pity-party where I bawled my eyes out and then got mad at myself. YAY for fridays.

So, I had my interview today. I thought it went . . .okay. It lasted less than 15 minutes and by the time I got back in my car I kept saying to myself (because, yes, I do talk to myself) "10 minute interview? No good, way to waste their time." I then analyzed all the questions they had asked me and all my answers to see if there was a reason it was so short..I know, lame.

Then the most bizzare thing happened around 3pm (a whopping 4 hours after my interview). The HR rep, called to offer me the job........

HE OFFERED ME THE JOB!

He went on a list reading of all the benefits with the job..the pay, the insurance, the hours, the holidays, etc. Then he talked about the ONE thing I figured would cost me the job...background check. I have no problems with them doing the background check, I'm very open with being on Deferred Adjudification, especially since it was almost 4 years ago and it was a misdemeanor and not a crime like drugs, drinking or anything involving children. I'm not a threat to anyone and all I lack is 86 hours of community service before it's esponged off my record..still though, it has cost me several job oppourtunities and I understand where employers come from so hearing "Sorry, no." no longer hurts me like it used to when it comes to not getting a job because of that.

Anyway.

He also asked for a diploma. *Cue failure*

I still have yet to go get my GED. I know, I know. This should have been done years ago! I have paid for 3 tests and just bailed on them due to my fear of not passing. I posted on here just a few months ago about doing it for Avery because I owed her a better life than I had and I signed up for classes but when I went to the first one, I was the oldest there and it literally made me sick to my stomach so I left.

I can't do this anymore. This is the best job I have EVER been offered and I may not get it because of what? Excuses and nerves? I'm smarter than that! I deserve this job, I deserve to have this kind of income and not to mention, I want it badly.

So, I called them back. Explained that I planned on taking the test for my GED within the next 3 weeks and was concerned about the background check ruling me out anyways and asked them what they thought I should do.

He told me to call him monday at 9:30 but before then to go online and fill out an official application and be very detailed on my Deferred Adjudification. He also said he had asked me in our earlier conversation if I wanted "time to think about taking the job" and said he could also give me 2 weeks to put in my notice at MDO. So my plan is this....

Tomorrow morning I am enrolling in an online school that is accredited and will help me get my GED/ High school diploma in 2-6 weeks (I'm aiming for 2). Even if I don't get this job I will re-apply for another clerical job with the ISD come January. If for some reason my background check passes through, I will then ask for 2 weeks to "think about the job offer" while I BUST MY BUTT getting my GED. If my background check does not go through then I will thank them for their time and offer and still work on getting my GED in a few weeks and then work on my hours so this can be esponged faster than my game plan now. It's a start and even if the job is out I WILL have my GED before Christmas!

I do not want to sound whiny, I know why I am in this mess. I know I have nobody to blame but myself but it's just so saddening to think I could have this job if I had only just taken the test in June! Then I get frustrated and remind myself it's the least worry because it can be fixed by taking a test....the background check has stopped me from getting 6 jobs in the past  3 months alone.

6 jobs, countless offers and for ONE bad judgement call I made 4 years ago. Hardly seems fair considering there are real crooks out there working the system and not getting into trouble or even probation for things like DUI's and Child Molesting but I got 4 years deffered for "Refund fraud" in which I was unaware I was doing it to begin with until I was called to court for  the managers trial.... 5 months after I left Home Depot for a better job!

>:O

Yeah, not cool and yet I have been gracious, I have cooperated, I have paid my fine and am in the middle of doing my community service to get this nightmare over with.

Society is slighty...well more than slightly askew when it comes to how it's laws are dictated and passed for people. I hate having to introduce myself to potential employers and then get offered a job only to have to go to them and say "By the way, if you do a BGC on me, it's says I'm a criminal but I'm really not and hope you'll give me a shot at your business." Not just employers to mind you, but this whole trying to move to Denton is being hindered because Realtors want to do BGC on us and when they see my "fraud" from 2006 we're instantly denied! Landlords and apartment complexes (ones worth wanting to live at anyway) don't take people with any BG in theft which fraud is under in the state of TX.

Can't I just get a break, I mean, a good one? This one was good and I am THANKFUL that God is with us and trying to get me where I need to be but to get my hopes up only to have a negative end result wears on ones heart and faith a little.

*sigh* Over and out.