Friday, November 6, 2009

Procrastination and Fear get you NOWHERE.

Today I got hit in the face with the biggest feeling of FAILURE. Which, then lead to a 3 hour pity-party where I bawled my eyes out and then got mad at myself. YAY for fridays.

So, I had my interview today. I thought it went . . .okay. It lasted less than 15 minutes and by the time I got back in my car I kept saying to myself (because, yes, I do talk to myself) "10 minute interview? No good, way to waste their time." I then analyzed all the questions they had asked me and all my answers to see if there was a reason it was so short..I know, lame.

Then the most bizzare thing happened around 3pm (a whopping 4 hours after my interview). The HR rep, called to offer me the job........


He went on a list reading of all the benefits with the job..the pay, the insurance, the hours, the holidays, etc. Then he talked about the ONE thing I figured would cost me the job...background check. I have no problems with them doing the background check, I'm very open with being on Deferred Adjudification, especially since it was almost 4 years ago and it was a misdemeanor and not a crime like drugs, drinking or anything involving children. I'm not a threat to anyone and all I lack is 86 hours of community service before it's esponged off my record..still though, it has cost me several job oppourtunities and I understand where employers come from so hearing "Sorry, no." no longer hurts me like it used to when it comes to not getting a job because of that.


He also asked for a diploma. *Cue failure*

I still have yet to go get my GED. I know, I know. This should have been done years ago! I have paid for 3 tests and just bailed on them due to my fear of not passing. I posted on here just a few months ago about doing it for Avery because I owed her a better life than I had and I signed up for classes but when I went to the first one, I was the oldest there and it literally made me sick to my stomach so I left.

I can't do this anymore. This is the best job I have EVER been offered and I may not get it because of what? Excuses and nerves? I'm smarter than that! I deserve this job, I deserve to have this kind of income and not to mention, I want it badly.

So, I called them back. Explained that I planned on taking the test for my GED within the next 3 weeks and was concerned about the background check ruling me out anyways and asked them what they thought I should do.

He told me to call him monday at 9:30 but before then to go online and fill out an official application and be very detailed on my Deferred Adjudification. He also said he had asked me in our earlier conversation if I wanted "time to think about taking the job" and said he could also give me 2 weeks to put in my notice at MDO. So my plan is this....

Tomorrow morning I am enrolling in an online school that is accredited and will help me get my GED/ High school diploma in 2-6 weeks (I'm aiming for 2). Even if I don't get this job I will re-apply for another clerical job with the ISD come January. If for some reason my background check passes through, I will then ask for 2 weeks to "think about the job offer" while I BUST MY BUTT getting my GED. If my background check does not go through then I will thank them for their time and offer and still work on getting my GED in a few weeks and then work on my hours so this can be esponged faster than my game plan now. It's a start and even if the job is out I WILL have my GED before Christmas!

I do not want to sound whiny, I know why I am in this mess. I know I have nobody to blame but myself but it's just so saddening to think I could have this job if I had only just taken the test in June! Then I get frustrated and remind myself it's the least worry because it can be fixed by taking a test....the background check has stopped me from getting 6 jobs in the past  3 months alone.

6 jobs, countless offers and for ONE bad judgement call I made 4 years ago. Hardly seems fair considering there are real crooks out there working the system and not getting into trouble or even probation for things like DUI's and Child Molesting but I got 4 years deffered for "Refund fraud" in which I was unaware I was doing it to begin with until I was called to court for  the managers trial.... 5 months after I left Home Depot for a better job!


Yeah, not cool and yet I have been gracious, I have cooperated, I have paid my fine and am in the middle of doing my community service to get this nightmare over with.

Society is slighty...well more than slightly askew when it comes to how it's laws are dictated and passed for people. I hate having to introduce myself to potential employers and then get offered a job only to have to go to them and say "By the way, if you do a BGC on me, it's says I'm a criminal but I'm really not and hope you'll give me a shot at your business." Not just employers to mind you, but this whole trying to move to Denton is being hindered because Realtors want to do BGC on us and when they see my "fraud" from 2006 we're instantly denied! Landlords and apartment complexes (ones worth wanting to live at anyway) don't take people with any BG in theft which fraud is under in the state of TX.

Can't I just get a break, I mean, a good one? This one was good and I am THANKFUL that God is with us and trying to get me where I need to be but to get my hopes up only to have a negative end result wears on ones heart and faith a little.

*sigh* Over and out.


  1. I'm so sorry! You've definitely had a rough year. And I agree, society is skewed. I couldn't think of a less fraudulent person if I tried! As for your GED, look at what you HAVE accomplished through all these trial lately. You're so much stronger than you know and I know you can bowl through the GED when you put your mind to it. And I also know that your confidence will shoot up once you pass it! I love you and your sweet family so much... it hurts me that you're hurting so badly! I know it's cliche but remember this: God doesn't give you anything he doesn't think you can handle. Someday, far in the future, you will know why life is so hard right now. I have faith that you WILL get through it because you are NOT a failure!

  2. You can do it Brittnye! I know you can. Maybe once you finish your GED you could take online classes at NCTC or some other schools, and get your associates too. That may put you in a higher pay grade. Then maybe work on your BA later on.

    I'm still working on my BA, so without that I will have a low-paying clerical job until I graduate. I keep on, keep on though!

    My thoughts and prayers go out to you girl. I know that you will succeed,

  3. Bless you . . . it will all work out for the best, and I know that you can do it. You'll breeze right through that GED, but only if you remember that it doesn't really mean anything. You're a good person with or without it, you're an intelligent person with or without it, and it doesn't make you a better or smarter person to have it! I love you.



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