Saturday, May 16, 2009

Fears and realities. *Long but needed entry*

Today, my worst fear happened. Today, I survived my worst fear. Not only did I survive my worst fear, I allowed the other person to survive as well.

I warn you now sweet readers, my heart is heavy tonight and I am laying a lot of things down that need to be aired out so I can move on.

It is no secret to those who know me of where I come from. I wasn't raised like most of you. I am grateful to my grandparents for taking my brother and me in when they did as well as my aunt and uncle for taking my other brother in. I have never been ashamed of my upbringing and as many of you sweet followers and readers who know me can attest, I am very straightforward about my family.

But for those of you in the dark......
Well, the best summary I can give is that my "Birth Parents' got pregnant with me at a young age (she was 16, he was 17), they married before I was born, they tried to do the right thing but with drugs and abuse in the equation they never learned how to become parents, this however didn't stop them from having more children. 5 of us total, I'm the oldest by barely 10 months! Out of the 5 of us my "parents" only had custody of 1 of us. 3 of us were taken by the state of California. My brother Jonathon and I went to Denton with my fathers parents, my youngest brother was sent to Hurst to live with my aunt and uncle, my other sister was adopted out at birth by distant family to NC. Leaving Jackye, the baby of us to live with my "parents" until they finally divorced in 2001.  Needless to say without getting into the heartbreaking details we were all treated poorly and were not loved much by our "parents". Me being the oldest, I carry a lot of scars on my heart and a huge burden of hate towards my "Birth mother" for allowing me the memories my other siblings miraculously never got to keep of our abuse and neglect.

My mother has and always will be my Grandmother, she is the only mother I have ever known up until I married Evan and was blessed with Nan as my mother-in-law/ best friend.

When Evan and I started talking about having children we were thrilled to know we would raise our children the way the Lord asks in the Bible. We knew we would be great parents as long as we parented by God's standards and were patient. I never questioned my skills as a mother since I have always wanted to be one since I was a little girl taking care of my dolls.
After our heartbreaking miscarriage, I started having these horrible thoughts about maybe God was trying to tell me I can't do this, that I'll be a horrible mother and end up like my birth mother. That it wasn't meant to be because I wasn't ready. I know it's ridiculous to think our God could be so malicious as to prove a point by taking our precious one from us when he did and I am aware of that NOW but at the hurt and bitterness raged at him and I had so many unanswered questions knowing I wouldn't  get the answers I wanted. I worked on these feelings, fixed some of my broken relationships I had, learned to pray and just decided to let God handle the rest.

When we were surprised with our pregnancy with Avery, I lost it. I literally freaked out, it was so unexpected and all those fears hit me like a mack truck, I kept thinking "Not again, I can't go through another miscarriage." but worse, I couldn't see myself being a good mom, this plagued me throughout my pregnancy. I can't tell you how many cry fest I had on Evans shoulder of my fears of becoming my birth mother and how I didn't want Avery to ever go through the pain I went through physically, mentally and emotionally.

So I made a vow. I wrote out all the promises and all the important things I would do and be for Avery. I was NOT going to allow my birth parents mistakes to effect me and how I raise my daughter. I was NOT going to ever compare myself to her or him. I was NOT going to allow them near Avery or in her life until she was old enough to make that choice in which I would cross that bridge when I got there. I prayed and wrote letters to Avery about this, I made a serious commitment to Evan and myself to not allow my tattered childhood to ruin my potential as a mother.

Thanks to that attitude, before I had Avery I renewed my relationship with my "Father". John and I are now on a speaking basis more as friends but he has seen Avery, he's held her, he's cried over her and cried to me how grateful he is that I have allowed him back in my life. He calls and asks for updates, he boast over pictures and his soon to be wife and I get along great. I should mention before I continue that John was in the Marines and overseas in Japan when a lot of the abuse and neglect happened, his one mistake in his life is that he chose her over his kids when the state intervened. He walked away from us rather then to fight for us, and because of that my issues with him were easily fixed when he pointed that out and apologized for everything I had endured while he was gone. Why I can so easily forgive him is beyond me but he at least made the attempt.

Now...My Birth Mother....(I use the term loosely) she's a different.....
24 years later and she is still the victim. She is still in denial about her drug abuse, still refuses to acknowledge that the state took her kids and likes to tell everyone that "Her children were kidnapped and brainwashed to hate her." I could go on and on but I will spare you all the negativity. It truly is saddening to see what drugs can do to someone at a young age. Knowing this at a young age my mom still never held me back from trying to have a relationship with my birth mother because for some reason I wanted her in my life when I was little. Not as a mother since I had one but because I felt wrong for hating one person so much and I didn't understand it, I felt responsible (Imagine a 7 year old apologizing to a drug addict for being the reason they do what they do because that's what they thought!).

Anyway, several attempts were made but in the end my heart was broken by broken promises, drug relapses and even physical and mental attacks whenever I defended my mom for raising my brother and I. My mom finally stepped in and wouldn't allow my birth mother near my brother and I and things were fine...until I hit my teenage years. The hatred turned into rebellion and the rebellion turned into physical altercations between my birth mother and I. Denton isn't as big as you might think..... Anytime the 2 of us got near one another words were said, fist flew and I was left with more bitterness and hatred for one human being. I was even banned from Wal*Mart for a time due to a fight in their store! Evan witnessed the last incident at my moms house when my birth mother came to drop Jackye off from visitation. I still regret him seeing me like that but in the end it made him aware of just what I went through growing up and why I try so hard to NOT become her.

Then.... I became a christian. Not just the Youth group infused Christian that wants to join the fad because all the kids are doing it.....I renewed my relationship thanks to Evan. I learned how to pray. I actually read my bible. I got involved at church. I ended friendships that weren't Christ centered. I spoke to people about my childhood, I let go and forgave.

I learned to breathe. I learned who I was.
I'm getting off topic........

Having Avery and making the vow I did when she was born to protect her from all the pain I had to go through in my childhood is something I take serious. I do not have a relationship with my birth mother for that reason, well, besides the fact it's just better left the way it is now. However, a lot of her side of the family always assumes when I am with them to talk about her and to try to get us to mend this broken relationship.

Really? How long do you have to beat a dead horse until you finally accept it's dead?

On top of this, Jackye has gone out of her way to let our birth mother in on Avery's life by giving her pictures and sharing videos and stories with her, knowing I don't want this! Knowing I don't want that woman near my daughter. EVER. I even threatened Jackye with not being allowed to take or have pictures of Avery as well as only supervised visits with her. I seriously do not want people like that around my daughter! I have made my request known to that side of my family quite clear and on several occasions long before Avery was born.

So imagine my shock and hurt when I went to see my Uncle Jack today and out of nowhere SHE shows up. The one woman  who has made me physically violent, the one woman who has caused me more physical pain then any other person in the universe. The ONE and ONLY person I do not want to be near my daughter and I am stuck in the same room with her and am unable to do anything!

She didn't know I was there (I highly doubt that). She saw Avery before she saw me and I only knew she was there when I heard her say behind me to my uncle "Is that who I think it is?!" I literally went numb and could only stay seated as my uncle looked at me with Avery in his arms and then to her as she stood shaking and crying and staring at Avery then quickly to me.

What do you do in that situation? What can you do? I had several options going through my mind but I was more in shock that we were so close to each other. The urge to hit her was there, the words of what she deserved were on my tongue and instead..... I took her in and suddenly pitied her.

My uncle asked me how I was going to do this and all I said as I got up was "She can hold Avery while I get my food to go." and she did. She cried over Avery and kept saying how pretty she was and how much she looked like me as I bagged up my food and got Avery's things together while trying so VERY hard not to yank my daughter out of her arms. She even had the nerve to ask if she could take a picture of her on her cell phone and I said that was fine.


Why was I being so accommodating to this woman?! She didn't deserve this kindness! She got her picture and then I left with Avery. She didn't try talking to me and she didn't hesitate giving Avery to me as she watched me pack her up and get her in the car she just kept telling me how "Beautiful and happy Avery is" and then she said "Thank You Brittnye!" in which I quickly glared at her and told her "Don't mention it." as I shut the car door and left.

And then...  I lost it.

I started shaking and crying and screaming at the top of my lungs which made Avery scream and cry as I headed to Nan and Gary's. I pulled in the driveway and immediately got in the back seat and rocked Avery and took off her outfit she had on and threw it in a bag. I got her calm and then tried to calm myself down. I got us inside the house and then went to the guest bedroom where I screamed in the pillow and then called Evan and my sister Desi for help. Evan was livid and wanted her number as well as my uncles to give them a piece of his mind then he stopped and told me to call him back in 5 minutes. When I called Desi she was in shock at the nerve SHE had to actually hold my daughter and even a picture of Avery let alone show up which got me thinking it was probably planned by my uncle who has voiced his disappointment in me for not trying to make things work with HER.

I waited to call Evan until I knew I could take his wraith, I went and laid with Avery who was napping and just stared at her for awhile about how I failed her and let her down by allowing that woman near her, how I broke my vow. Then the tears came again and hard. I'm confused by how I was and yet I know it was because of Avery and all I kept thinking of was her during the whole thing.

Called Evan and rather then wraith I got a wonderful conversation of how proud he was of me for being the bigger person. For putting Avery first and getting her out of there as fast as I could with no negativity. Then he said some things that made me realize it would be okay. He told me good for me for allowing HER that one memory of Avery, that one Picture, that one story she can share with others because in the end she still misses out on Avery, she misses out on an amazing little girl and I now know I can face anything since I conquered my biggest fear today. It happened and it happened when Avery is young enough to never remember it. SHE knows not to come near me again with Avery, SHE is aware there is no future with me or Avery or Evan.

I feel beyond conflicted. Why was I so nice to her? Why did I let her touch my baby? Why didn't I just grab Avery and leave? My one promise to Avery and myself went out the door as soon as I saw HER. Being in shock was part of it I know but why am I so mad at myself?

I know I was the better person today and it seriously made me realize while watching HER hold Avery for those short moments today that I seriously have nothing to fear. There is no way I will EVER become the "mother" that woman was. I will never become her. I will never hurt my daughter the way SHE did to me and my brothers and sisters. All those years of fears and doubts were for nothing because I just don't have it in me to allow anything similar to HER become a part of me.

So my fear was faced and my reality became quite clear today. After 13 years of heartache it just became so clear for me and for the time wasted on this that I can't get back I feel sad for. Why couldn't God have just allowed it to come to end sooner? I trust Gods will, I truly do but I'm waiting to see what lesson I am being taught by him right now....

It's still a bit unclear for me.

1 comment:

  1. Brittnye, you are a great mom. You love your daughter and anyone can see that. I am touched by this story--Andy and I have been talking about forgiveness lately, and how it's something we so often declare that we believe in, yet, few people sincerely do. Bless you for these challenges, and for the things that you have learned and will continue to learn from them, and thank you for teaching us, too.

    I love you . . . !



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