Oh my goodness, it has been FOREVER since I have updated the blog! I know I said I would be better at maintaining both blogs but truthfully, I also feel this blog has lost it steam so to speak. I get few views and even fewer comments anymore. I know it's because I pretty much share EVERYTHING on FB and sometimes Twitter (although, I closed my Mrs_hartfield account) so by the time I find a moment to sit down and blog it out, it's not news to anyone who actually reads my blog.
I have so much I want to share right now as a venting post because I have to tell you, the last 2 weeks have been an emotional nightmare for me. Like, seriously. However, I do not have complete control over who sees my blog and I don't want to go through the drama of a few "family" members reading it and starting an attack again on me for simply saying how I feel. At the same time, I'm almost just ready for some of them to open their mouths to me once again because I'm not going to be like I was when I was younger, I won't take it and I will not be out numbered.
I turned 27 last week. A few days before my Birthday I received a vicious series of text and information about me from some people I used to respect and look up to and seemingly idolized for God knows what reason. This information cut like the sharpest knife could and opened 10yrs of hurt in my life that I have fought tooth and nail to resolve and understand essentially. I have blamed myself for years due to believing all the things these people have said about me seemingly since birth, I let it mold my mindset in my teen years which brought on more stress and garbage than I wish to admit.
The only difference in this time is that I finally figured it all out. Like the switch that got flipped ON the day Avery was born and I made a promise to her and Evan out loud in those early minutes of her birth as I was sobbing with JOY at what I finally had! FAMILY. A true family.
It is no secret that I was raised in a broken home, actually, that is an UNDERSTATEMENT. I come from a broken family. There wasn't much love, praise, togetherness or any big traditions. My grandparents did their damnedest with Jonathon and I but they were always the bad guys if we did something the rest of the family deemed "not right". My grandmother has and always Will be my only mother and it seems like the day she went to California to get my brothers and I away from the deplorable living situation we were in (you know, birth mother in prison, birth father up his butt and the state housing us at an orphanage so we could get proper food and parenting in us) that some family thought she turned her back on them.
I have always wanted what so many, if not all, of my friends had. I wanted both parents, I wanted a mom who took me shopping and a dad who actually cared about my schoolwork. Silly right? I wanted to grow up with all my siblings, not just 1 brother while the other 3 were scattered around. When Evan and I got married, I got that normalcy I so craved growing up. Jarrod is an amazing brother who unlike my own, wants to talk to me and catch up and will call me out of the blue and doesn't get annoyed when I ask about his life. Nan and Gary embraced me from day 1 and spoil me rotten not just with gifts, but with friendship, love, humor, honesty and communication. At our wedding, He was the first face to greet me as Mrs. Evan Hartfield and all he could do was grab me in a huge hug and tell me how happy he was! Nan is truly my best friend. I love how we can spend a day out shopping or over lunch and just lay everything going on out in the open and help each other. How many inside jokes we have and how we relate with both our spouses just in different generations. We get each other on so many levels and I feel so sad for my friends who can not stand their in-laws. I simply do not know what I would do without mine!!! I've been calling Nan and Gary "Mom & Dad" for years now which a few of my friends told me is weird. Is it?
So when I received the big news 2 saturdays ago I happened to be with Evan and Gary out on the patio enjoying a sunny day together. Once I read the text I just started laughing and then...fought back tears as hard as I could. When Evan asked what was wrong, (earlier I had had a good cry over this issue and he was livid but also super supportive) I simply handed him my phone and let him read what was shared with me. From there Evan explained to Gary what I was dealing with yet again with some of my family, mind you, it's been over 5 months of he said/she said over this subject that has thown in several other family members who didnt need to be involved. For the first time in 8 years, I witnessed Gary lose his cool. He was so mad at what I was dealing with and so hurt for me. He couldn't believe that it was coming from my family. When Evan shared with him my past 10yrs and other incidents I've been subjected too, Gary was speechless and red. Of course he knows the gist of it and he knows how some of these people work because he has witnessed some events first hand! (I know I'm being cryptic, sorry)
For me, it was the final blow. I can no longer fight, defend or make excuses for these people who continue to kick me around. You are not supposed to treat your family the way mine has! Again, not everyone in my family is bad, there are a few decent people but I can not even begin to explain how fake some are....there's no trust in my family and everyone bad mouths each other and bickers and fights..it's so toxic!
What truly gets me is some of the "reasons" I was/have been told over the years for why I'm the bad guy. I've cried so many tears, I've taken some low blows and sadly, I've dished out a few myself to feel justified in the years past. My mom and I have some inside jokes about some of it all but then again she can turn around and defend them and be just as hurtful as they are if and when it suits her.....yet...I'm the only one who she calls when she needs help.
The next day, Pastor Dave laid out a sermon that had me doing the ugly cry for all to see. He truly was speaking to me and my heart and my situation with my family.SPOT ON. It just clicked for me. I sang with the worship song and got such a restful peace about the entire situation. I wasn't going to shed another tear because of these people. I wasn't going to allow them to continue this cycle of abuse and bullying and I was going to be happy. My mind was set, my choices made. I was going to move on. Little did I know that later that night, all that would be sorely tested, and it was! In a hurtful confrontation where I ended up leaving a public place so disgusted with so many people and so torn. I sat in the driveway for almost 20minutes just crying it all out and figuring out how to tell Evan what had just happened. When I got inside the house he knew. He grabbed me and sat on the couch with me and with a sigh just simply said "Britt, let everyting out, cry til you pass out, sob, wail, kick, scream, but do it now and be free of this crap!"
I did all that.... I threw a "why me" tantrum with lot's of "it's not fair!" and plenty of "Is it so much to ask for?"'s thrown in. I was so drained I simply let Evan put me in bed and slept for 15 deep hours.
Monday was amazing. I woke up with a puffy face but I was happy, I was rested and importantly I was FREE! I spent the day with Evan and Avery just snuggling on the couch with movies and counting my blessings. I have EVERYTHING I need in my family. I have parents who exceed my own expectations, I'm a wonderful parent and Avery is safe from any and all the horrid things I had to deal with in my childhood. I will never have to deal with the negative attitudes of people I do not wish to have in my life. It saddens me for Avery because I feel she deserves a big family but I also will only teach her to LOVE everyone and PRAY for those who can't seem to be happy in thier own lives. I feel worse for the ones in my family who are never going to get to see how amazing she is simply because they are so bitter in their own lives and they just can't move on from the past or even be happy for me for NOT becoming what they all said I would be some day.
I'm working on the forgiveness part. I've let so much go and have given up some hurts I doubt the person who issued it is even aware of. I'm very iffy on the trust part and I'm seriously double thinking thoughts I may have about some people simply because I hardly see them as it is. It's just so refreshing to know though that the majority of the negative-ness thrown at me is simply because they can't understand or possibly do not like how happy I am. Who I am offends them because I didn't become just like them in my family. I got free of the cycle and I've made a name for myself. I'm a christian, I'm married to a amazing man who has a very supportive, close-knit family and I've done things the right way for years now. (you'd be suprised how that has been viewed as me thinking I'm better than them.(really? because I got married, work hard, live on my own and had a kid later down the road?! That is stupid.)
I sit here and vent this all out and I still hurt, the sting is there but there is no guilt or regret on my part. I wish I had figured this out years ago! Would have saved me from so much heartache, so much self loathing and confusion and several years of therapy. It's weird (to me at least) because I say all this, I feel secure in my decision and yet, I wish them to be as happy as I am. I truly want whats best for my family and as twisted as it seems, I do love them. Reguardless of the years of mental, emotional,verbal, physical and sexual abuse in my life at the hands of my family in my life.
I'm so Blessed with some amazing friendships that have been so helpful the last 2 weeks for me. For my sweet family being so supportive and understanding and getting so upset simply because they don't like seeing me hurt...only sheds light for me that I am not alone. God put some new people in my life when I needed it most and since being married to Evan, shoot, let's be honest even when we were dating, his family came in with arms open, ready to tackle the hot mess that I was and to show me what love is, what being a family means and just how important I am.
If you've stayed with this emotional disaster of a post to this point, your probably one of the blessings I am talking about. Thanks for all the love, support, comments and encouragements over the last several years as I tackled this subject on and off on the blog. You are all treasure to me.
I promise, the next post will be more cheerful and upbeat! :)
If I Could Tell Myself
2 weeks ago