Happy 5th Birthday!

Friends.......

I'm a bit in denial right now, I feel almost overwhelmed that it's already a week before Christmas. No, not because of Christmas itself. I've finished 80% of all that needs to be done. I think it's more that this year is almost over.

The past week has been pretty emotional for me, shocking news, 2 deaths, family drama and an epic ice storm can do that though. Add that in the middle of the peak emotional-ness I was in, we fostered a sweet cat who was recovering from having her leg amputated and my plate broke in half.

I'm doing better, I'm healing. Thanks to our new addition and Avery and Alyssa keeping me blissfully distracted it's easier to let the things I cannot and will not control just....go! Just in time for a new emotional round to hit me though.

Today, our sweet Alyssa Jane is 11 months old! 11, as in almost 12. In 4 very short weeks our baby will be ONE. My uterus can't handle that.

Even worse? This amazing not so little human being is 5 today!

I know, I know, process that for a few...

FIVE.

Half a decade. 

I recently wrote this in my prayer journal.."A year is no longer viewed as a long time to me. Measures of time are now seen with different memories as time stamps. Blinks, days, quiet moments, happy tears, small achievements and somber tones to go with the sometimes overwhelming feeling of just being ridiculously blessed.

 How I wish I could capture so many moments and bottle them up for the girls to watch/witness when they are older."

So in keeping with my blog tradition:

Avery Claire-

 Today you are 5. Seems like yesterday your Aunt Desi was painting my toes and sharing in my joy and fear of heading to the hospital to have you. I love thinking back and reminiscing about all the struggles your pregnancy had. How truly insignificant they all seem now when at the time we were so fearful of the unknown and afraid to think we could lose you. As it was then, and continues to be now, God has great things planned for you.

 You are my joy. A bright light in our family that shines brighter everyday. You will never understand until you become a mother, just what you did to your daddy and I. We are eternally grateful for your birth because it brought with it such powerful revelations of what marriage is about. It showed us what love can create, just exactly who we are and how what we need to strive to be can easily be achieved when we put aside our personal needs and focus on others.

 You make me a better person. You make me laugh daily, cry from happiness and sometimes I feel like my heart is going to burst from joy.

 You have the sweetest spirit, you are kind and joyful. Your sense of humor is ridiculous at times. You are a protective big sister who loves to make her sister laugh and encourages her daily.

 I could brag about you forever my sweet girl.

 Our prayer for you this year is that you continue to let your love of The Lord shine through. Stay joyful. Follow your heart and stay true to what it says to you. Play more, get a little dirty, wear more dresses (for your mom!). Sing no matter who may be listening. Make silly faces to express how you feel and most importantly... Know how much you are loved daily.

Every year will be a flood of emotions as we celebrate you. No matter how old you are.

Happy Birthday Bayboo,

We love you! (Mommy & Daddy)

Easter

I'm terribly behind on updating the blog.

As promised I wanted to share some pictures from Easter, the girls looked super adorable in their matching dresses and enjoyed their goodies as we ate an amazing lunch with Nina & Pawpa. I loved cooking everything this year. I'm getting the handle on managing two kiddos, keeping up on house work and cooking real meals. Now looking good while doing it....meh.



Me & My girls.



Evan and the girls, how Blessed am I? Love my family. I accidentally cut off Evans head in the second pic but the girls looked to cute not to share it. (sorry Babe)



Our Family.

Alyssa.

I've already shared Averys pictures from the oh-so-amazing Emily Davis so I find it only fair to share some of Alyssa's Newborn pics. I know, I'm becoming that annoying mom who does nothing but talk about and flaunt pictures of their kids due to not having a life outside them lately. Deal with it. :)

She's already 5 weeks old and ever changing. Craziness. How precious and fast these simple times of just holding and feeding and changing her are flying by. Soon, she'll be like her sister and I won't be able to snuggle or cuddle unless she's under the weather or has a small boo boo. Such is the life of a parent.

Welcome to Earth, Alyssa Jane.... (Her Birth Story, Long)

So unless you live under a rock, randomly found my blog for the first time tonight or just happen to be the under 10% who don't do anything social media related then it's no surprise or secret that our sweet family finally grew 2 weeks ago. Yes indeed, our sweet, beautiful and perfectly on time Alyssa Jane has arrived! Life the past 2 weeks has seemed to have flown by, hard to believe she's here (finally) or that I now have 2 girls!!!

The last 2 weeks of my pregnancy I was in prodromal labor or in simple English, false labor. This was super annoying as my body kept having contractions from 20min down to 5min apart non stop everyday. We went to L&D twice where the contractions would suddenly stop and wouldn't show up on the monitor yet they could feel them physically and I was slowly dilating and effacing more and more. I was miserable emotionally, I felt so dumb not knowing if I should go in or not. I also found out I was Group B positive which explained why I had an infection they couldn't find in early December that had everyone confused.

So Friday night, the 18th, Evan was supposed to be off work but got called in. Nan and Gary didn't want me to be alone so they invited Avery and I over for dinner and just to pretty much "babysit" me while Evan was at work since I wasn't feeling too well and was exhausted. I had napped hard earlier that day and my appetite was nowhere to be found all week which had Evan as usual, worried about me. We had dinner at Roadhouse where I barely ate my salad and potato and then went back to Mom and Dads to hang out and await Jarrod and Sarah. Once they showed up and started playing with Avery, my contractions started again but this time...they felt different...this time....they kinda hurt! I ignored them since I didn't think anything of it but over the next hour and a trip downstairs for fro-yo I was starting to think it may be time to call Evan home. Nan kept watching me and could tell something was up with me. I couldn't sit comfortably and would stand behind the chair and lean over it then walk up and down the hallway. I'm so stupidly stubborn sometimes and I didn't want to say anything to anyone because we had already had 2 false alarms. I txted Evan and when he called was trying to talk in code so they wouldn't hear me pretty much tell him "Hey, come get me, I think I'm in labor." (Again, I'm stubborn)

Evan showed up to which I just looked at Nan after talking to her and said we'd see them later. Gave hugs and said goodnight to Avery as she was staying with them and we headed to L&D yet again. We went home first, packed a bag for Avery, packed more for the hospital, took care of the cats and then headed to the hospital where I was in tears from the contractions which were 3min apart. Got checked in to L&D at 10:45pm and I kid you not, 20min later...everything stopped. Contractions disappeared, back pain, nausea...it all stopped. I was so mad and just drained over it all. The nurses suggested we walk so we spent an hour walking up and down the skybridge where I had the most painful contraction that literally stopped me dead and had me gasping for breath, crying and shaking. but it didn't last or continue. Went back to our room where the nurse said my OB wanted me to stay overnight just to be sure. She'd see me in the morning before I was discharged. So..Evan went to sleep and I stayed up all night frustrated that yet again, I wasted everyones time and swearing my body was against me. My nurse wasn't too nice or huge on communicating but would check in every few hours and around 2am asked if I wanted a sleep aid which I declined. She came back at 3am with a tech and had me fill out paperwork which I assumed were my discharge papers since the monitor wasn't picking anything up even though I was feeling a few contractions here and there but nothing painful or notable to time.

The tech came back shortly after I signed the paperwork and started an IV. When I asked her why they were starting an IV when I was being discharged in a few hours she just said my OB ordered it and I was doing lab work anyway so it was easier if she just did my IV. I was too tired to care at that point. Around 5:30 they came and took a ton of blood from me, at 6am my OB walked in with my new nurse Megan, who had been my nurse the first time we came to L&D and remembered me so I was excited to see her (she's amazing, funny and super sweet). My OB just smiled and told me it was up to me what would happen next. I had been in prodromal labor for 13days, she knew I was miserable and it was my due date so I could stay or we could go home and see what happens but I was at a 4 and fully effaced so it was all down to when my water would break. So I looked at Evan and just started crying and said "I want to stay, I'm tired." and she literally looked at the nurse and said "alright, let's break her water and then let her rest for the morning, she'll have this baby fast." So, they immediately broke my water and the contractions started within 5 minutes from that, they painful ones and yet again, the monitor wasn't picking anything up.

I mentioned how amazing my nurse was right? Well, seriously, she was! She watched the monitor then my breathing and finally said "Let's get an internal monitor going I bet your contractions are too low for the belly monitors to read." she set up the internal monitor and the screens lit up with contractions 3 min apart and strong! They then started my 1st round of heavy antibiotics for GBS in which I suddenly couldn't stop shaking or crying or almost seizing from the pain. Seriously, it was the most intense pain, burning sensation up my arm and shoulder. I've never felt that kind of pain and Evan thought it was all from the contractions but it was from the IV. Evan freaked out and called the nurse but it wasn't Megan who came in, it was the night nurse and she simply looked at Evan and I and said "it can't be that bad, it's a strong antibiotic and it'll be over in 5min, just try to relax" and with that she walked out of the room. SERIOUSLY?! Glad it wasn't an emergency.

So I cried and screamed and Evan rubbed my back and tried to help me through the antibiotic which did finish shortly after the rude nurse came in. Megan came in soon after and got me some ice and let me know I was at a 6 and doing good and set a goal time of 3pm to have Alyssa. She was so set that I would be in my PP room by 4pm and stayed and chatted with us for awhile. I told Evan to go on and take a shower and take Averys bag to mom and dads since it would be awhile yet and as tired as I was, was going to try to sleep. Megan told him it wouldn't be anytime soon and since he was still in his Peterbilt uniform should go get cleaned up.

I rested off and on between contractions, they were getting more intense but I was breathing through them and not really freaking out like I did with Avery's labor. With those contractions I couldn't breathe or relax and had got my epidural super early to help which ended up being a spinal block so I was numb and dead from the waist down by the time I was a 4. Here I was at a 6 and doing good so I decided to wait an hour before getting my epidural so Evan could be back. Yeah, he takes forever which I should have known better so I got my epidural while he was gone. My body started shaking again and even with Megan helping me sit still it took the anesthesiologist 3 attempts because I kept moving and shifting right as he would try to stick it. Once he got it and set up the pack on my IV he handed me the button and said to just hit it when I needed more help with the pain. Megan had the bed propped up so I was in a yoga sitting position to help Alyssa transition lower faster and checked me again (It was 11:30) and I was at a 7! Then we came up with a plan to freak Evan out since he was taking forever. When he walked in all fresh and clean and full of food, I was propped up in bed with a pillow in front of me while Megan was sitting next to me and when she saw him she said "Oh my gosh! You missed you wife in action, your Alyssa is so beautiful!! Did you see her in the nursery?!" In which I added "You missed it all! I had her so fast! What took you so long!?"

His face was priceless. He seriously stood there in shock and thought I had already had her. Megan and I laughed so hard at him before we then has to explain to him I was still very much pregnant but it would be soon and he missed helping with the epidural.

Megan left to get my second round of antibiotics, when she came back Evan and I both asked her a million questions about the meds because I was not going to take it again if I had to feel that much pain. When Megan scolded us for not saying something earlier Evan explained what the other nurse had said and done and Megan just shook her head and said she'd make sure it wasn't so bad. She literally stayed at the IV and pushed fluids with the anitbiotics to flush it through my arm faster. It didn't hurt nearly as bad and after it was done she said she'd let Dr. Dooley know how it affectd me but doubted I would need another round since I was so close to having Alyssa.

So during all this, I'm feeling the contractions more and more. I'm breathing more through them and grabbing the rail for support. When Megan asked if I was feeling them I would tell her Yes and she would press my button but nothing was happening....so she'd press the button on the pack at my iv stand and I'd go numb on my left side for only a few minutes. Pretty much, my epidural had failed. It wasn't taking effect.

Oddly enough though, I was handling the contractions just fine. I wasn't in any real pain, just uncomfortable. They didn't last long enough to really hurt or make me tense up and I was still sitting up right and moving my legs and just waiting for the next one.

Here's where it gets a little embarressing for me. My contractions were getting super intense but along with them came this crazy pressure in my butt, like I needed to go to the bathroom type feeling. It kept getting stronger and stronger and I finally looked at Evan and told him how I needed to go to the bathroom before I had an embarressing accident!! He didn't feel comfortable with me getting up so he called for Megan. When she walked in I was almost begging her to help me get tot he bathroom because I didn't want to have an accident. She just laughed and assured me it was Alyssa's head, not the other thing. I didn't believe her though and started arguing with her about what I was feeling! I mean, I would know the difference right?! She was trying not to laugh at my freaking out and finally said she'd check me to see where I was at. To which I was at a 10 and Alyssa was almost there! She told me to lay on my left side to help move Alyssa shift a bit while she went to get Dr. Dooley.  She came back in and had me go back on my back and we'd do a practice push. Evan and her started counting me off for the practice push and once I pushed they both said to stop.

Evan just kept saying "Her head! Her head is out, don't push Britt!". Megan ran to the door and asked for help when several nurses came in with Dr. Dooley who was getting a gown on. She looked at me and said "We do our practice pushing? We ready to have this baby? It's only 1:27, your beating Megans goal time!" Megan came back to my leg and told her "No, no more practice pushing, she's already crowned!" and then I was swarmed by everyone telling me not to push yet. (not so easy when every contraction felt like I was already pushing) One Tech waited for Dr. Dooley to get in postion then said "Okay, let's time these pushes and have this baby girl." Yeah.....

I pushed 2 short times and at 1:32pm Alyssa Jane Hartfield was placed in my arms. Healthy, perfect, a full head of dark hair and weighing in at 7lbs 4oz and 19.5inches long. On her due date no less. :)

Proud Daddy.

We did it!

Avery, Mom and Dad arrived shortly afterwards. Avery was afraid of her sister and didn't want to get near her at all. She also didn't like Nina taking pictures or Pawpa holding the baby.

Easy Labor, Easy Delivery, and 2wks down, she is simply an easy baby. Avery is no longer afraid of her, in fact, she loves her sister and loves helping out anyway she can. It's so sweet to watch these two together, seriously. We're so blessed. It's just ridiculous. :)

Sisters.

Happy Birthday Avery Claire!!!

I hate that I didn't get to post this on Avery's birthday as I have the last 3 years but truly, life is always hectic around the holidays and her birthday seems to be the kick-off to the hectic-ness.

So yes. Hard to believe but...Avery turned 4 on December 19th!!! I seriously can not keep up with her sometimes and she just needs to stop growing up on us. She's no longer a toddler anymore and that was hard enough to handle when she left the chubby baby phase. This year we celebrated with a small party at Chuck E. Cheese, or as Evan and I code named it "Charles E. Queso". She had a blast and it was so sweet to see her surrounded by such fun friends.

She was a happy girl and got ridiculously spoiled with what seems like a million My little ponies. (Her new fave addiction)

Sweet Avery Claire,
 I doubt there will ever be a birthday that comes for you that I don't get emotional or feel overwhelmed by. You are still and continue to be the biggest and brightest light in your daddy and I's lives. You make us so proud and when we think of how it seems like just yesterday when you were brought into this world, way ahead of schedule, on a ridiculously hot December day....time truly has seemed to have flown by. You are 4yrs old now and going on 6! You are still one of the most polite kids we know, you never meet a stranger and your sweet spirit enraptures everyone you meet. Your smile is always on and your goofy laugh is infectious. Your love of the Lord makes me feel in awe. How you soak up everything and love to pray daily or recite your memory verses and get excited when you get it right. You are such a Blessing to us and our prayer for you this year is that you continue to grow in the Lords love and light, that you stay true to yourself and what you believe in and continue to grow in all ways. That your smile never fades, your laughter never dies and that you cherish each new thing this year brings you as you approach so many changes with becoming a Big Sister and soon.....Pre-School. I'll never stop kissing you and hugging you no matter how many times you wipe them away and beg me to stop, I love you so sweet girl and can't believe you are 4 now.

XOXO,
Mom

Thankful: Day 29

Day 29-

I am THANKFUL for the man who has given me more in my life than I EVER knew I was worthy of.


 Who has made dreams realities, confidence bloom, who can make me laugh until I cry and cry until I laugh, who knows me so well, who has so many secret jokes that some may find our conversations weird, who has been by my side in some of the toughest times and saddest times of my life. Who keeps me accountable in my walk with Christ both as a woman and a parent, who rescued me from a rough upbringing and helped me prove not only to myself but to others that I am capable of letting go and proving people wrong simply by living life to the fullest and never looking back. Who.....is EVERYTHING I dreamed of as a little girl.

My best friend, My Co-partner....The List is extensive.......

Evan Paul Hartfield. I love you more and more each day, even when you annoy me. You are the best husband a girl could pray for, the coolest dad a little girl can idolize. You work so hard to make your girls happy and lack for nothing, we are so proud of everything you do for us.

Thankful: Day 13

Day 13-

I am Thankful for Avery's teachers at Kidzone Academy. Ms. Stephanie & Ms. Kim.

These two amazing woman are such a Blessing to us and bring such joy out of Avery. She LOVES going to school and getting hugs from them. She comes home bursting with news from her day, singing songs and reciting her bible verses. She also does Spanish, gymnastics, music and chapel. They may not feel like they do much for the kids but they truly bring out the best. Averys never been this excited about school or learning and it's all because of these two sweet woman.

Thankful: Day 11

Day 11-

I am Thankful for Music.

I doubt any other thing in the world can do as much for me as music does. It's such a wonderful therapy for whatever is going on in my life. There are past memories I can remember a song helping me get through an issue, a change in life, a special event, etc. Songs that can trigger those moments for me or songs that have helped heal wounds.

I've always been a huge fan of music so perhaps that's why. You can even search my blog and see where I've shared lyrics of a song for a situation or mood I was in.

Currently I am loving this song and hum it to Little Miss during my quiet time with her. (With Avery it was a song by Plumb)


Up & Up (Acoustic)
By: Reliant K


Yesterday was not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today, with every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

'Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
But I'm finally catching on to it, yeah, the past is just a conduit
And the light, there at the end is where I'll be

'Cause I'm on the up and up, I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up, given up on what I know I'm capable of
Yeah, I'm on the up and up and yeah, there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you
A better version of me for you

To be prosperous would not require much of me
You see, contentment is the one thing it entails
To be content with where I am and getting where I need to be
And moving past the past where I have failed

But I'm finally catching on to it and yeah, the past is just a conduit
And the light, there at the end is where I'll be

Oh, 'cause I'm on the up and up, I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up, given up on what I know I'm capable of
Yeah, I'm on the up and up and yeah, there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you
A better version of me for you

Never cease to supply me with what I need for a good life
So when I'm down, I'll hold my head up high
'Cause you're the reason why, yeah, you're why

I'm on the up and up, I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up, given up on what I know I'm capable of
Yeah, I'm on the up and up, so yeah, there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you
I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you

Thankful: Day 10

Day 10-


I am Thankful for "Little Miss" and this pregnancy.

When Evan and I decided to try for baby #2 I figured it wouldn't be a big deal, I've been through pregnancies before and we went through all the testing and what not to just make sure it may not be fertility issues or me or him to blame for past miscarriages and all the complications we had with Avery's pregnancy. Her pregnancy and how hard it was on me is the main reason we waited as long as we did.

With Little Miss, I have had zero complications and pretty much, a perfect pregnancy! I had morning sickness (new for me) and all the symptoms that I really didn't get with Avery in the 1st trimester. It's just been a huge blessing for us as a family and the closer we get to her arrival the more I clearly see that.

It's still as precious to me as it was with Avery, feeling this tiny miracle grow inside me. The nudges, the kicks, the punches and hiccups...all still fill me with joy and awe and the occasional groan when I just want to sleep or get comfy but her antics disrupt that. I enjoy getting bigger and bigger, which I know is odd to say but I wasn't this big with Avery and yet I felt more confidence in myself and my body when I was pregnant with her and it's the same this time around too.

This perfect baby girl being knit together and growing strong in me is just a blessing. To know God made her just for us is so amazing. The plans, the dreams and the completeness I feel when I think of her arrival and welcome into our family. All seems just right.

I must say just seeing how her arrival into our lives is already changing Avery is sweet too. She is so thrilled to be a big sister and gets overjoyed when we talk about her, when she does her nigh-night routine and hugs and kisses and blows bubbles on my belly, or when she sees and feels baby sister kick and move or even when she gets rowdy and tickles and talks to my belly and laughs hysterically when little sister reacts (which she does!).

I'm so loving these special memories and intimate moments with my girls. I can't imagine how much better they will be when she's actually here and we're able to touch and kiss and watch her grow with us.

Thankful Day 3

This weekend kept me busy so I'm playing a bit of catch-up. :)

Day 3- I'm Thankful for these two.

Yep, my fur babies. Paris (top) & Gus.

I know, cue the whole, "Seriously, her cats?!" I get it. There are sadly, people out there in the world who don't like animals or cats or have ever had animals and they miss out on so much.

We rescued Paris the summer before we were married. I nursed her back to health and she soon became our little family. Then we got married, she gained weight and was lonely being all alone all day while we worked/went to school, so for my 21st birthday Evan brought home Gus. They both have been with us in EVERY phase of our marriage. Through the good, the bad, the scary, the funny and the huge changes and little changes.

They don't judge us, they are never not available and their personalities are so polar opposite that it's funny to watch them just be with each other. I seriously, don't know what I would do without them.

So I am THANKFUL for our sweet kittos. For their endless love, annoying habits, snuggles, snores and overall completeness to our growing family. It just wouldn't be the same without them.

September Already!? :)

I feel like such a broken record with my poor blog. I could have sworn I updated a few times in August but apparently I didn't! Same with my HLC blog which I'm starting to wonder was worth all the hype but I know it's just the pregnancy and summer-ness getting to me on that end.

SO much to catch up on and I warn you now you oh-so-AMAZING reader, I've got much to update and just pour out about. Maybe need to hash things out in a 2-parter and just keep this entry as simple as possible.

Life at the Hartfield casa seems to finally be slowing down after a busy summer. We just got back from a weekend trip with Evans parents (always and I mean ALWAYS fun being with those two amazing people!). Avery started school this week too which means new routine and schedule and not too mention a little free time for mommy and daddy.

Check out my big girl!!!

She is Blessed with two awesome teachers this year and I just can not tell you how EXCITED Evan and I are that she gets to have this experience. She really loves her school and the 1st week is done and she already has made new friends! She's also ridiculously taller than her classmates.....

We had 2 more foster litters come and go and we even got our sweet mama kitty, Layla adopted! I know it sounds dumb but after having her be at our fence, deck and slowy into our home after 2 years, I kinda didn't expect her to get adopted and she was adopted just 2hrs after I took her to the shelter!! When I was notified about her adoption, I sobbed. I'm talking...wailed! Boo-hooed and did the full blown ugly cry. I loved her and was so used to her ALWAYS being with us even though she really wasn't ours. After the last kitten was gone it took me 3 days to realize I wasn't hearing kittens or needing to get up and feed them. Paris and Gus are sure happy and Evan has asked that I not bring home anymore Little's until after our own new little arrives. :)


Speaking of our Little.....

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!

We are having ANOTHER girl! We found out 2wks ago and are super excited. For now she is referred to as "Little Miss" since we are not sharing her name until she is born. (I told 2 friends on accident and Evan told his parents so now we are being VERY strict with this rule!) Sadly, this is the best sono pic I have so far but I have my anatomy scan on Tuesday so hopefully I will get a better pic to share.

I'm 21wks today! Crazy to think we are already half way there! I started feeling her at 16wks but as of last week she has decided to let me know EVERY move she makes! With Avery it was a few stretches in my ribs and hiccups but this one....she's a roly poly!! Usually around 7am and 10pm she is most active and I am loving every second of it. I'll get a 20wks picture uploaded soon and show my 14wk/16wk & 20wk belly shots. :)

So far we know she has her daddy's booty, chin and profile, just like Avery did. She is super long and has little feet.

I'm finally getting the reality of it I think. I've been telling people how weird it is for me to be so lax about EVERYTHING with this pregnancy but once we found out SHE was a SHE I started planning and thinking and list making. Evan and I went to Babies R Us and started a registry, we've got her and Averys room laid out so I know where to start from there. I just wish I could narrow things down and stop being so indecisive. SO much has changed on the market since we had Avery and we both feel weird about asking people to buy Little Miss gifts for her shower which.....hasn't even been planned or talked about and I'm not even sure if I'm having one.

Her colors are Gray and Lilac with no theme for her nursery. I'm just going for colors and patterns. Super Hartfield, I know. ;)

Alright, that should do for a sufficient update. I'll get belly pics and another update out and about before the weekend hits full throttle.

Thanks for sticking with me and my lazy, nonblogging self.

-Brittnye

Life Update

Oh my poor, neglected blog!

I know I said I wasn't going to over indulge on this pregnancy but I didn't mean just stop blogging all together! This summer has been pretty busy, good busy but busy. I feel like I'm finally able to play catch up.

Evans job has been a little worrisome with production being down and layoffs being rumored but THANKFULLY he survived the first round of layoffs and even though the loss of production days is temporary, we've turned his short work weeks into lots of fun family time. Avery and I feel so spoiled getting daddy home 4 nights a week instead of just on the weekends. I will say it's been nice on my low energy days with this pregnancy because Evan is AMAZING with letting me nap or helping me out with house stuff or Avery's high energy. :)

Avery is growing like a weed! She is getting taller which is hard to believe since she's always been above average but this summer she has shot up 2 sizes in shoes alone! Her speech is very pronounced and her personality just explodes now that she can communicate so much better. I love her random comments or cutesy phrases. So hard to believe she'll be 4 in December! She's also finally conquered potty training!!! (Tee tee anyway) What did the trick? CHEVY. He visited us one weekend and used her princess potty and Avery did not like that!!! As soon as she saw him use HER potty, she decided it was hers and only hers and started using it the next day. Now she won't use her potty but the big potty. We're still hit or miss out in public but if we make sure she goes before we leave the house she doesn't have accidents and she gets so tickled when she wears her panties. Getting her 100% potty trained before Baby arrives was a worry for me but come delivery time I have no doubt she will be completely potty trained.

She's loving the summer time.

As for me and Baby? We are doing great. This pregnancy is by far easier than Avery's was, even with the horrible morning sickness and fatigue I am loving it. We are in the 2nd trimester now and in 3wks we find out if we're PINK or BLUE. I'm hoping for a boy this time but a part of me has a feeling this is another girl. Guess we will see, I swore Avery was a boy and all the old wives tales pointed to boy but she is ALL girl. No matter what God blesses us with we are just so elated to be having another baby. Avery is already an amazing big sister and she even picked the girls name we decided on. She loves to kiss and hug my belly and she talks to the baby daily. I'm feeling kicks now but nothing too big yet, Evan got to feel a few on Saturday while we were camping and at our OB appointment the baby kept kicking the doppler. I feel them especially at bedtime or very early morning when I'm laying still in bed. :) So ready for them to be felt by everyone, especially Avery.

                                                        Rocking the bump @14wks

 I'm also having cravings like crazy lately, the first month I barely ate much from being so sick and lost 6lbs. Then once I hit 9wks it was Mexican food every day, every meal, especially nachos! Now, not so much... This week it's been sweets, mainly pie. I blame our pie shop stop Sunday while heading home from our camping trip because now my freezer is stocked with this....

Pie anyone?!

Other than that we are all doing good. Enjoying family time, mini trips, pool time and staying cool in this Texas heat. I'm also doing a Woman's bible study at Church and am so glad to finally be doing more in our church, this transition into Gracepoint has been easier than I first thought which is weird since it's been almost 8months but I'm just now making time to be more involved like I was with MSBC. I love our church, our church family and I love watching Avery grow up in this atmosphere of believers. That's a whole other blog entry though. :)

                                                       Oh how I missed quiet times.

How about you my sweet readers? How are you doing? I feel so out of the blog loop and my HLC is beyond neglected as well, I must try to stay updated better and make time to write, it's so nice to have something to fall back on and to keep me accountable.

Love and Blessings,

Brittnye

Doing what makes you happy

I just realized I haven't blogged about what I've been up to lately. Life has been so busy with so many different things and I'm hardly home during the day now which is good but also just means by the time I do get in, I am busy with Avery until bed time and then I'm ready to crash when she does.

So as some of you know, the morning I got Janie I had went to the Denton Animal Shelter and started volunteer orientation, something I have been wanting and waiting to do for quite some time. My initial thought was to help out with the dogs since we had gotten to know the dog coordinator during our 3 month adventure of finding our own family dog. However due to my schedule, I can't come when she mainly needs volunteers which is in the afternoon and evenings.

Plus, I fell in love with the cat room. Currently there is no cat coordinator and a sweet volunteer is semi taking over so they can get adoptions, fosters and rescues better. It's a lot of work! I started volunteering 2 weeks ago and it's turned into a part time job! I go in the mornings and sometimes end up staying 5-6 hours at a time. Apparently this was noticed by a LOT of people and I was approached with an offer. To become the Rescue Efforts Coordinator.

What this basically means is that while doing my volunteer duties I am also creating a database of all North Texas cat rescue groups, fosters and adoption centers with contacts to help ensure that if we get full, need a cat rescued, or kittens fostered....we have a organized and detailed way of finding that and better assuring our kittys get out of the shelter as quickly as possible. If a need comes in, it's my job to find placement and work out transport, etc.

Sounds easy, right? Yeah....

This is such a challenge, there are so many groups and rescues but hunting down their info and contacts is like PI work. It truly is all about who you know in this industry. Me being a bit of a newb, I don't know as many people or groups or sponsors and this week I was tested big time when we had 2 litters of week old kittens come in in need of foster care. I literally spent 10hrs on the phone and email trying to contact people and find people to take them in. I got it down but it drained me and I went into several stages of emotions.

Plus, add in the emotional attachment you find yourself  getting with the cats. I currently have 17 babies I love on everyday and some have been at the shelter a long time. I even love my ferals and they hardly get rescued so some mornings I come into an empty cage and it breaks my heart. We are not a no kill shelter but our percentage of euthanizing is below 15%.

Yesterday was my first hard experience with this when I was the one that had to inform an officer of one of my sweet, docile, shy girls behaving oddly. She went from being able to hold, pet, brush and love on to being a hissing, drooling, foaming at the mouth wild animal in a matter of 48 hours. She was not the same cat and they tried to asses her to see if we could get her to the vet but it was clear....she needed to be euthed. Making that call was hard for me but I know it was what needed to be done. I didn't stay much longer after that, I was so defeated. When I went home Evan just reminded me I can't save every animal and that it's a reality I need to keep in mind if I plan on doing this.

I'll try to post a few pictures and stories of some of my sweeties past and present. I will say if you live in the Denton area, do yourself a favor and come see these amazing animals. It's puppy and kitten season so we are full, full full! Even if you don't adopt, you can come play with them, they love it!

Try volunteer work to, it's amazing what a difference you can make just by a few hours a week.

Happy weekend,
Brittnye

10 Years.

Crazy how time can sometimes be at a stand still in life and yet, other times it just refuses to slow down.

I find myself looking at Avery after she's done something out of the blue and so grown up to me for a 3 year old and I almost go into a panic. Slow down! Stop growing up on me. I think to myself over and over or You were just my baby girl yesterday....where has the time gone!?. I kid you not, I found her pink baby blanket 2 nights ago and literally grabbed it to my chest and sobbed like a weirdo in the bathroom. How is it already possible that this pink blanket can't even cover her legs anymore when just yesterday I was swaddling her in it!!

Today marks the 10th anniversary of my dad passing away.

10 years.

Already.

I sit here and think of everything that has happened since this day back in 2001. I can still see myself, sitting at work and getting the call. I still remember my friend coming to pick me up and my youth pastor meeting me in that horrible consolation room at Denton Reginal. My mom, sitting with the funeral coordinator and a hospital staff member and her being so calm and yet knowing she was falling apart on the inside. How confused I was when for the last 3 years we had done everything from a nursing home to home care to hospice and roughing it on our own to keep him with us and just like that, he passed away in bed at home. How upset at myself I was. I had moved out  months earlier from it being just too hard to live there with other family members moving in and helping out with his care and to also escape how painful it was to deal with all his medical issues and watch him become a stranger to me.

As Nan has told me repeatedly, it's hard to not have regret with death.

I have my regrets, I've dealt with this regret and am no longer haunted by it. As much as I wish we could get do overs I also know he knows how I feel about him even though I never really made it easy on him and I never truly told him  how much I loved him as much as I could have. Yes, he was my grandfather, but he was also my dad. A true definition of that word in every sense. His actions spoke so much for what we both lacked in communication. I didn't even attend his memorial or his ash scattering ceremony. I left the day after he died to a ski trip with my youth group(at the urging of my mom) and never skied but just dealt with it all with a few friends and my youth pastor. 2 weeks later, I missed an entire week of school just lying in bed and crying. I was so sick for 3 days letting it all sink in.

I think the hardest realization of it hit me on my wedding day. Something I shared in a past entry about thinking about the walk down the aisle and how I wished so badly that Jonathon wasn't the one giving me away and how weird it was to not have a Father/daughter dance at the reception even though my biological father was there. Gary did dance with me and I remember thinking how wrong it was! He just wasn't the right man for that job on that day. (totally different now as he IS my dad)

The only other time his death really came up again was the day Avery was born. Here I was, a mom finally. Surrounded by those who would love her as much as they love me, a day of joy and celebration and a very important man was missing. Evan knew this and simply reminded me that he had already met Avery before we did and how he loves her in heaven just as much as if he was down here with us. We still keep some of his traditions going with Avery so she can keep them going when she has a family. For me that says a lot for my dad. He was always trying to make everyone happy, he always kept traditions and he always had a smile of his face.

So yesterday when it dawned on me what today would mean, I didn't cry (I did today). I just sat in bed and started thinking of Avery and all the things that have happened the last 3 years and about my brother and his son and just overall how HAPPY and proud my dad is of us even though he isn't here with us. I know he would approve of who I am at 27. I know he would be proud of everything I've done and of Jonathon too.

Just so weird to think it's been a decade since we lost him.

XOXO,
Brittnye

Introducing....

I am so happy to get to post about this....

INTRODUCING.......

CALAMITY JANE HARTFIELD!!!!

Yep, we're now a family of 6. :)

I love this girl so much.

So, after the Goldie incident I made Evan take back all the stuff we had bought. I didn't want to think about getting a dog because I was truly that broken hearted over Goldie!! (Lame, I know) However, I kept in contact with the dog director at the animal shelter and she invited me to come to a volunteer orientation and start spending time at the shelter. I'm already on their FB page daily and know some of the volunteers so I figured, why not.

So Saturday, I met up with my friend Beth and we went to the volunteer orientation where I decided not to help with the dogs but rather, the cats and eventually help in the office. Totally up my alley, easy and would offer me some ME TIME! After we signed out paperwork and played with some dogs and chatted with Amy, the dog director we headed over to Beaus Bath and dog spa to check out their event going on with several rescue groups, low cost vaccination clinic, raffle and food. Had no intention of getting a dog despite Beth's attempts.

We walked into the show room and there she was. She was on a leash by the Animal Shelter table and doing this excited dance and bark/howl beagle call. You couldn't miss her. I walked by the pug rescue group and sat and loved on the great pyramease group (giant, white, fluffy, teddy bears!) Beth pointed at her and said, she's cute! So we walked over where I met Karen, a lead volunteer and Calamity's foster mom. I've seen her but never met her. We chatted about the shelter, Amy, dogs and the weather and all the while, I'm on the ground petting on Calamity and falling in love with her smile.

Karen tells me her story, She was dumped in Hickory Creek at the Walmart, was taken to the Hickory Creek Animal Shelter and then a short time later Fostered by Karen and she was waiting to be adopted. You could tell Karen loves her, she really does. I jokingly sent Evan a picture msg of her with no thought other than "Look who I'm playing with" and he responds with ":/ is that the one you want?"

I just looked at Beth, I seriously wasn't thinking of adopting her, she's not what we were debating on, she's a beagle, she's a fat, senior dog who'll just sleep all day.....right? Karen was asking me if I was interested and I just said in that "no not really...maybe" kinda tone "I'm not sure" so then Karen tells me her qualities...She's house trained, she's crate trained, laid back, has a small anixety when you leave or come in the house, gets along with other dogs, wouldn't care about cats probably, loves kids..yadda yadda...

The whole time I'm seriously not seeing her as a dog I would have, but I'm also not leaving her side or have I stopped petting and loving on her. Karen shows me the 2 other dogs they had at the moment and we were interrupted by the owner or manager of Beaus Bathhouse (I wish I could remember her name!). She was making sure Karen didn't need anything when she saw me petting on Calamity. "Are you thinking of adopting her?" I looked at Karen and asked how much her adoption fee was (you know, thats a big thing on rent week) and she says 120$. I did not have that much to spend on a dog. Beth knew this and chimed in with, "I'll pay and you can pay me back, you need a dog!" to which that sweet woman looked at Karen and said "Oh no! I'll sponsor her! She needs a home today!"

Did that just happen?!

So I text Evan and let him know "she's ours" and am lead to the bath house with Karen and the lady who runs the place. As I'm filling out the paperwork the staff spruces Calamity up with a pretty bandana and some puppy spray and trims her nails. :) Karen then tells me she brought her crate and bedding if I'd like it to take with me since it's Calmity's anyway.

Seriously, Now I'm getting a free crate and her bedding?!

Then that sweet woman returns to my side with this giant basket and hands it to me and says it's for adopting Calamity. It has a leash, a collar, food, treats, a brush, toys and 2 other bandanas in it.

Are you kidding me right now?!

So I walk in with Beth just passing time and checking the place out to leavng with a new baby, a crate, bedding and every supply I'll need for at least a week? And it only cost me $20.

Yeah, after the past 3 weeks of emotional garabage she was so what I needed. I'm sorry but this is all a God thing. How on earth could everything have lined up to lead me to her and then to have a stranger sponsor her and then give me everything I'd need for her?

She has settled in perfectly!! She loves walks and being in the car. I took her to the dog park Monday and she had a blast! She's afraid of Gus and Paris but as of today they no longer run, hide or hiss at her so lots of progress there. She loves her crate and the living room rug to take naps in, she also snores like a freight train but once she loses some weight that'll change. We've named her Janie for short but since she knows her name from the shelter I'll call her Calamity Jane when she goes in the kitchen or needs to come inside and she knows she better listen to me when I call her that. :)

Avery could have cared less but is slowly starting to pet her on the head or ask me if she can give "Jayme" a treat. :) Evan wasn't too keen on a little dog or a beagle but once he got to see her smile and she shook all over with excitement and did her happy bark/howl show for him...he was a goner. You should see her when he comes home, he has to drop everything and go to her to calm her down, she gets SO excited to see him.

:)

When You Finally Get It. *long venting post*

Oh my goodness, it has been FOREVER since I have updated the blog! I know I said I would be better at maintaining both blogs but truthfully, I also feel this blog has lost it steam so to speak. I get few views and even fewer comments anymore. I know it's because I pretty much share EVERYTHING on FB and sometimes Twitter (although, I closed my Mrs_hartfield account) so by the time I find a moment to sit down and blog it out, it's not news to anyone who actually reads my blog.

I have so much I want to share right now as a venting post because I have to tell you, the last 2 weeks have been an emotional nightmare for me. Like, seriously. However, I do not have complete control over who sees my blog and I don't want to go through the drama of a few "family" members reading it and starting an attack again on me for simply saying how I feel. At the same time, I'm almost just ready for some of them to open their mouths to me once again because I'm not going to be like I was when I was younger, I won't take it and I will not be out numbered.

 I turned 27 last week. A few days before my Birthday I received a vicious series of text and information about me from some people I used to respect and look up to and seemingly idolized for God knows what reason. This information cut like the sharpest knife could and opened 10yrs of hurt in my life that I have fought tooth and nail to resolve and understand essentially. I have blamed myself for years due to believing all the things these people have said about me seemingly since birth, I let it mold my mindset in my teen years which brought on more stress and garbage than I wish to admit.

The only difference in this time is that I finally figured it all out. Like the switch that got flipped ON the day Avery was born and I made a promise to her and Evan out loud in those early minutes of her birth as I was sobbing with JOY at what I finally had! FAMILY. A true family.

It is no secret that I was raised in a broken home, actually, that is an UNDERSTATEMENT. I come from a broken family. There wasn't much love, praise, togetherness or any big traditions. My grandparents did their damnedest with Jonathon and I but they were always the bad guys if we did something the rest of the family deemed "not right". My grandmother has and always Will be my only mother and it seems like the day she went to California to get my brothers and I away from the deplorable living situation we were in (you know, birth mother in prison, birth father up his butt and the state housing us at an orphanage so we could get proper food and parenting in us) that some family thought she turned her back on them.

I have always wanted what so many, if not all, of my friends had. I wanted both parents, I wanted a mom who took me shopping and a dad who actually cared about my schoolwork. Silly right? I wanted to grow up with all my siblings, not just 1 brother while the other 3 were scattered around. When Evan and I got married, I got that normalcy I so craved growing up. Jarrod is an amazing brother who unlike my own, wants to talk to me and catch up and will call me out of the blue and doesn't get annoyed when I ask about his life. Nan and Gary embraced me from day 1 and spoil me rotten not just with gifts, but with friendship, love, humor, honesty and communication. At our wedding,  He was the first face to greet me as Mrs. Evan Hartfield and all he could do was grab me in a huge hug and tell me how happy he was! Nan is truly my best friend. I love how we can spend a day out shopping or over lunch and just lay everything going on out in the open and help each other. How many inside jokes we have and how we relate with both our spouses just in different generations.  We get each other on so many levels and I feel so sad for my friends who can not stand their in-laws. I simply do not know what I would do without mine!!! I've been calling Nan and Gary "Mom & Dad" for years now which a few of my friends told me is weird. Is it?

So when I received the big news 2 saturdays ago I happened to be with Evan and Gary out on the patio enjoying a sunny day together. Once I read the text I just started laughing and then...fought back tears as hard as I could. When Evan asked what was wrong, (earlier I had had a good cry over this issue and he was livid but also super supportive) I simply handed him my phone and let him read what was shared with me. From there Evan explained to Gary what I was dealing with  yet again with some of my family, mind you, it's been over 5 months of he said/she said over this subject that has thown in several other family members who didnt need to be involved. For the first time in 8 years, I witnessed Gary lose his cool. He was so mad at what I was dealing with and so hurt for me. He couldn't believe that it was coming from my family. When Evan shared with him my past 10yrs and other incidents I've been subjected too, Gary was speechless and red. Of course he knows the gist of it and he knows how some of these people work because he has witnessed some events first hand! (I know I'm being cryptic, sorry)

For me, it was the final blow. I can no longer fight, defend or make excuses for these people who continue to kick me around. You are not supposed to treat your family the way mine has! Again, not everyone in my family is bad, there are a few decent people but I can not even begin to explain how fake some are....there's no trust in my family and everyone bad mouths each other and bickers and fights..it's so toxic!

What truly gets me is some of the "reasons" I was/have been told over the years for why I'm the bad guy. I've cried so many tears, I've taken some low blows and sadly, I've dished out a few myself to feel justified in the years past. My mom and I have some inside jokes about some of it all but then again she can turn around and defend them and be just as hurtful as they are if and when it suits her.....yet...I'm the only one who she calls when she needs help.

The next day, Pastor Dave laid out a sermon that had me doing the ugly cry for all to see. He truly was speaking to me and my heart and my situation with my family.SPOT ON. It just clicked for me. I sang with the worship song and got such a restful peace about the entire situation. I wasn't going to shed another tear because of these people. I wasn't going to allow them to continue this cycle of abuse and bullying and I was going to be happy. My mind was set, my choices made. I was going to move on. Little did I know that later that night, all that would be sorely tested, and it was! In a hurtful confrontation where I ended up leaving a public place so disgusted with so many people and so torn. I sat in the driveway for almost 20minutes just crying it all out and figuring out how to tell Evan what had just happened. When I got inside the house he knew. He grabbed me and sat on the couch with me and with a sigh just simply said "Britt, let everyting out, cry til you pass out, sob, wail, kick, scream, but do it now and be free of this crap!"

I did all that.... I threw a "why me" tantrum with lot's of "it's not fair!" and plenty of "Is it so much to ask for?"'s thrown in. I was so drained I simply let Evan put me in bed and slept for 15 deep hours.

Monday was amazing. I woke up with a puffy face but I was happy, I was rested and importantly I was FREE! I spent the day with Evan and Avery just snuggling on the couch with movies and counting my blessings. I have EVERYTHING I need in my family. I have parents who exceed my own expectations, I'm a wonderful parent and Avery is safe from any and all the horrid things I had to deal with in my childhood. I will never have to deal with the negative attitudes of people I do not wish to have in my life. It saddens me for Avery because I feel she deserves a big family but I also will only teach her to LOVE everyone and PRAY for those who can't seem to be happy in thier own lives. I feel worse for the ones in my family who are never going to get to see how amazing she is simply because they are so bitter in their own lives and they just can't move on from the past or even be happy for me for NOT becoming what they all said I would be some day.

I'm working on the forgiveness part. I've let so much go and have given up some hurts I doubt the person who issued it is even aware of. I'm very iffy on the trust part and I'm seriously double thinking thoughts I may have about some people simply because I hardly see them as it is. It's just so refreshing to know though that the majority of the negative-ness thrown at me is simply because they can't understand or possibly do not like how happy I am. Who I am offends them because I didn't become just like them in my family. I got free of the cycle and I've made a name for myself. I'm a christian, I'm married to a amazing man who has a very supportive, close-knit family and I've done things the right way for years now. (you'd be suprised how that has been viewed as me thinking I'm better than them.(really? because I got married, work hard, live on my own and had a kid later down the road?! That is stupid.)

I sit here and vent this all out and I still hurt, the sting is there but there is no guilt or regret on my part. I wish I had figured this out years ago! Would have saved me from so much heartache, so much self loathing and confusion and several years of therapy. It's weird (to me at least) because I say all this, I feel secure in my decision and yet, I wish them to be as happy as I am. I truly want whats best for my family and as twisted as it seems, I do love them. Reguardless of the years of mental, emotional,verbal,  physical and sexual abuse in my life at the hands of my family in my life.

I'm so Blessed with some amazing friendships that have been so helpful the last 2 weeks for me. For my sweet family being so supportive and understanding and getting so upset simply because they don't like seeing me hurt...only sheds light for me that I am not alone. God put some new people in my life when I needed it most and since being married to Evan, shoot, let's be honest even when we were dating, his family came in with arms open, ready to tackle the hot mess that I was and to show me what love is, what being a family means and just how important I am.

If you've stayed with this emotional disaster of a post to this point, your probably one of the blessings I am talking about. Thanks for all the love, support, comments and encouragements over the last several years as I tackled this subject on and off on the blog. You are all treasure to me.

I promise, the next post will be more cheerful and upbeat! :)
-Britt