ZION

So, it's no secret if you follow my blog how I am a music connoisseur. I have no qualms sharing a song or album that just speaks to me or promoting a band that deserves love. I love music and am always into new tunes. So this is another one of those entries...

Lately, I have been listening to my old Hillsong United albums. Evan and I LOVE this group. I can't tell you how uplifting the music is and for some reason when we hear certain songs it just has me in tears and praising Jesus. I'm talking, ugly cry, hands raised, HALLELUJAHing it up. Shamelessly too I might add. Our new worship leader played a few acoustic versions last Sunday and once again I was falling in love with this group. Their newest album is called ZION. Do yourself a favor and check it out!

Currently I have "Oceans" on repeat. This song..... whoa. It's just perfect for where I am right now with the Lord and what he's doing to me as a new mom and this new season of my life. It also has me just constantly thinking of Peter....yeah, I'm getting preachy. Still this song is just so fitting and makes me cry but in a good, hands raised, halleluja-hing up way. :P




"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"



You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Happy Easter!

Today was just one of those days that I wish would never end.

3 days of church with such an AMAZING church family and a pastor who truly is just...well, he is amazing too. I feel so full spiritually and not just because of the last 3 days. Since the church merge in January I have been overjoyed for Sundays again. Not going to do a "Plug" or push anyone onto my church but if your interested, Click Here.

Easter was a bit un-traditional for us this year. We went to last nights service since Nan, Gary and I were doing nursery duty for the 9am service today. Evan and Avery stayed home which was good since around 4:30am Avery walked into our room stuffy and congested and wanted to be cuddled, all signs of bad allergies or a cold. I finally got kicked out of bed at 6:30 and made the best of it while my two loves had a snoring contest (she is her fathers daughter). Got home from church around 11 to find her like this!!!

Poor baby looked like she got in a fist fight. Her left eye was so swollen and gunky and it wasn't like that when I left for church, it came on super fast! She was miserable and just wanted to curl up with her blanket and not be bothered. :(  Luckily though Nina and Pawpa picked up some allergy drops on their way over for lunch and it fixed her up quick!

The rest of the day was full of food, candy, family and dare I say it, I even got a NAP! Hello! That never happens. I think all the afternoon rain and the food coma was just the perfect Sunday mix to knock me out on the couch. :)

Nice end to a holiday weekend. Although I'm off tomorrow, this week will be BUSY BUSY with Megan's wedding on Saturday, rehearsals on Friday and a ton of stuff in between. Add family in town and shelter duties...whew! I might also mention the bridesmaid dress I ordered in JANUARY is still not here, so no stress or anything....

Then a week of NOTHING (so looking forward to that) and then the following week we fly out to PORTLAND to visit Jarrod & Sarah. I am soooo stoked about this trip. Avery's first flight and my first trip to Oregon. Evan is not too keen on flying so it'll be interesting to see how I manage Avery and him if she doesn't do well, but let's admit it, my kid is awesome. :)

Since I am so horrible lately with posting I'll also add Avery's Bluebonnet pics from last week. Seriously, Sarah Null is so amazing at what she does and is a wonderful woman and sister in Christ, I met her YEARS ago before Evan and I were married and had Avery the day before she married a schoolmate or ours.( I was dress shopping for her wedding when I went into labor!) Check out her FB page as well as her website and if your in the North Texas area, use her!!!

www.snullphotography.com

Yeah, I know.


XOXO,
Brittnye

10 Years.

Crazy how time can sometimes be at a stand still in life and yet, other times it just refuses to slow down.

I find myself looking at Avery after she's done something out of the blue and so grown up to me for a 3 year old and I almost go into a panic. Slow down! Stop growing up on me. I think to myself over and over or You were just my baby girl yesterday....where has the time gone!?. I kid you not, I found her pink baby blanket 2 nights ago and literally grabbed it to my chest and sobbed like a weirdo in the bathroom. How is it already possible that this pink blanket can't even cover her legs anymore when just yesterday I was swaddling her in it!!

Today marks the 10th anniversary of my dad passing away.

10 years.

Already.

I sit here and think of everything that has happened since this day back in 2001. I can still see myself, sitting at work and getting the call. I still remember my friend coming to pick me up and my youth pastor meeting me in that horrible consolation room at Denton Reginal. My mom, sitting with the funeral coordinator and a hospital staff member and her being so calm and yet knowing she was falling apart on the inside. How confused I was when for the last 3 years we had done everything from a nursing home to home care to hospice and roughing it on our own to keep him with us and just like that, he passed away in bed at home. How upset at myself I was. I had moved out  months earlier from it being just too hard to live there with other family members moving in and helping out with his care and to also escape how painful it was to deal with all his medical issues and watch him become a stranger to me.

As Nan has told me repeatedly, it's hard to not have regret with death.

I have my regrets, I've dealt with this regret and am no longer haunted by it. As much as I wish we could get do overs I also know he knows how I feel about him even though I never really made it easy on him and I never truly told him  how much I loved him as much as I could have. Yes, he was my grandfather, but he was also my dad. A true definition of that word in every sense. His actions spoke so much for what we both lacked in communication. I didn't even attend his memorial or his ash scattering ceremony. I left the day after he died to a ski trip with my youth group(at the urging of my mom) and never skied but just dealt with it all with a few friends and my youth pastor. 2 weeks later, I missed an entire week of school just lying in bed and crying. I was so sick for 3 days letting it all sink in.

I think the hardest realization of it hit me on my wedding day. Something I shared in a past entry about thinking about the walk down the aisle and how I wished so badly that Jonathon wasn't the one giving me away and how weird it was to not have a Father/daughter dance at the reception even though my biological father was there. Gary did dance with me and I remember thinking how wrong it was! He just wasn't the right man for that job on that day. (totally different now as he IS my dad)

The only other time his death really came up again was the day Avery was born. Here I was, a mom finally. Surrounded by those who would love her as much as they love me, a day of joy and celebration and a very important man was missing. Evan knew this and simply reminded me that he had already met Avery before we did and how he loves her in heaven just as much as if he was down here with us. We still keep some of his traditions going with Avery so she can keep them going when she has a family. For me that says a lot for my dad. He was always trying to make everyone happy, he always kept traditions and he always had a smile of his face.

So yesterday when it dawned on me what today would mean, I didn't cry (I did today). I just sat in bed and started thinking of Avery and all the things that have happened the last 3 years and about my brother and his son and just overall how HAPPY and proud my dad is of us even though he isn't here with us. I know he would approve of who I am at 27. I know he would be proud of everything I've done and of Jonathon too.

Just so weird to think it's been a decade since we lost him.

XOXO,
Brittnye

When You Finally Get It. *long venting post*

Oh my goodness, it has been FOREVER since I have updated the blog! I know I said I would be better at maintaining both blogs but truthfully, I also feel this blog has lost it steam so to speak. I get few views and even fewer comments anymore. I know it's because I pretty much share EVERYTHING on FB and sometimes Twitter (although, I closed my Mrs_hartfield account) so by the time I find a moment to sit down and blog it out, it's not news to anyone who actually reads my blog.

I have so much I want to share right now as a venting post because I have to tell you, the last 2 weeks have been an emotional nightmare for me. Like, seriously. However, I do not have complete control over who sees my blog and I don't want to go through the drama of a few "family" members reading it and starting an attack again on me for simply saying how I feel. At the same time, I'm almost just ready for some of them to open their mouths to me once again because I'm not going to be like I was when I was younger, I won't take it and I will not be out numbered.

 I turned 27 last week. A few days before my Birthday I received a vicious series of text and information about me from some people I used to respect and look up to and seemingly idolized for God knows what reason. This information cut like the sharpest knife could and opened 10yrs of hurt in my life that I have fought tooth and nail to resolve and understand essentially. I have blamed myself for years due to believing all the things these people have said about me seemingly since birth, I let it mold my mindset in my teen years which brought on more stress and garbage than I wish to admit.

The only difference in this time is that I finally figured it all out. Like the switch that got flipped ON the day Avery was born and I made a promise to her and Evan out loud in those early minutes of her birth as I was sobbing with JOY at what I finally had! FAMILY. A true family.

It is no secret that I was raised in a broken home, actually, that is an UNDERSTATEMENT. I come from a broken family. There wasn't much love, praise, togetherness or any big traditions. My grandparents did their damnedest with Jonathon and I but they were always the bad guys if we did something the rest of the family deemed "not right". My grandmother has and always Will be my only mother and it seems like the day she went to California to get my brothers and I away from the deplorable living situation we were in (you know, birth mother in prison, birth father up his butt and the state housing us at an orphanage so we could get proper food and parenting in us) that some family thought she turned her back on them.

I have always wanted what so many, if not all, of my friends had. I wanted both parents, I wanted a mom who took me shopping and a dad who actually cared about my schoolwork. Silly right? I wanted to grow up with all my siblings, not just 1 brother while the other 3 were scattered around. When Evan and I got married, I got that normalcy I so craved growing up. Jarrod is an amazing brother who unlike my own, wants to talk to me and catch up and will call me out of the blue and doesn't get annoyed when I ask about his life. Nan and Gary embraced me from day 1 and spoil me rotten not just with gifts, but with friendship, love, humor, honesty and communication. At our wedding,  He was the first face to greet me as Mrs. Evan Hartfield and all he could do was grab me in a huge hug and tell me how happy he was! Nan is truly my best friend. I love how we can spend a day out shopping or over lunch and just lay everything going on out in the open and help each other. How many inside jokes we have and how we relate with both our spouses just in different generations.  We get each other on so many levels and I feel so sad for my friends who can not stand their in-laws. I simply do not know what I would do without mine!!! I've been calling Nan and Gary "Mom & Dad" for years now which a few of my friends told me is weird. Is it?

So when I received the big news 2 saturdays ago I happened to be with Evan and Gary out on the patio enjoying a sunny day together. Once I read the text I just started laughing and then...fought back tears as hard as I could. When Evan asked what was wrong, (earlier I had had a good cry over this issue and he was livid but also super supportive) I simply handed him my phone and let him read what was shared with me. From there Evan explained to Gary what I was dealing with  yet again with some of my family, mind you, it's been over 5 months of he said/she said over this subject that has thown in several other family members who didnt need to be involved. For the first time in 8 years, I witnessed Gary lose his cool. He was so mad at what I was dealing with and so hurt for me. He couldn't believe that it was coming from my family. When Evan shared with him my past 10yrs and other incidents I've been subjected too, Gary was speechless and red. Of course he knows the gist of it and he knows how some of these people work because he has witnessed some events first hand! (I know I'm being cryptic, sorry)

For me, it was the final blow. I can no longer fight, defend or make excuses for these people who continue to kick me around. You are not supposed to treat your family the way mine has! Again, not everyone in my family is bad, there are a few decent people but I can not even begin to explain how fake some are....there's no trust in my family and everyone bad mouths each other and bickers and fights..it's so toxic!

What truly gets me is some of the "reasons" I was/have been told over the years for why I'm the bad guy. I've cried so many tears, I've taken some low blows and sadly, I've dished out a few myself to feel justified in the years past. My mom and I have some inside jokes about some of it all but then again she can turn around and defend them and be just as hurtful as they are if and when it suits her.....yet...I'm the only one who she calls when she needs help.

The next day, Pastor Dave laid out a sermon that had me doing the ugly cry for all to see. He truly was speaking to me and my heart and my situation with my family.SPOT ON. It just clicked for me. I sang with the worship song and got such a restful peace about the entire situation. I wasn't going to shed another tear because of these people. I wasn't going to allow them to continue this cycle of abuse and bullying and I was going to be happy. My mind was set, my choices made. I was going to move on. Little did I know that later that night, all that would be sorely tested, and it was! In a hurtful confrontation where I ended up leaving a public place so disgusted with so many people and so torn. I sat in the driveway for almost 20minutes just crying it all out and figuring out how to tell Evan what had just happened. When I got inside the house he knew. He grabbed me and sat on the couch with me and with a sigh just simply said "Britt, let everyting out, cry til you pass out, sob, wail, kick, scream, but do it now and be free of this crap!"

I did all that.... I threw a "why me" tantrum with lot's of "it's not fair!" and plenty of "Is it so much to ask for?"'s thrown in. I was so drained I simply let Evan put me in bed and slept for 15 deep hours.

Monday was amazing. I woke up with a puffy face but I was happy, I was rested and importantly I was FREE! I spent the day with Evan and Avery just snuggling on the couch with movies and counting my blessings. I have EVERYTHING I need in my family. I have parents who exceed my own expectations, I'm a wonderful parent and Avery is safe from any and all the horrid things I had to deal with in my childhood. I will never have to deal with the negative attitudes of people I do not wish to have in my life. It saddens me for Avery because I feel she deserves a big family but I also will only teach her to LOVE everyone and PRAY for those who can't seem to be happy in thier own lives. I feel worse for the ones in my family who are never going to get to see how amazing she is simply because they are so bitter in their own lives and they just can't move on from the past or even be happy for me for NOT becoming what they all said I would be some day.

I'm working on the forgiveness part. I've let so much go and have given up some hurts I doubt the person who issued it is even aware of. I'm very iffy on the trust part and I'm seriously double thinking thoughts I may have about some people simply because I hardly see them as it is. It's just so refreshing to know though that the majority of the negative-ness thrown at me is simply because they can't understand or possibly do not like how happy I am. Who I am offends them because I didn't become just like them in my family. I got free of the cycle and I've made a name for myself. I'm a christian, I'm married to a amazing man who has a very supportive, close-knit family and I've done things the right way for years now. (you'd be suprised how that has been viewed as me thinking I'm better than them.(really? because I got married, work hard, live on my own and had a kid later down the road?! That is stupid.)

I sit here and vent this all out and I still hurt, the sting is there but there is no guilt or regret on my part. I wish I had figured this out years ago! Would have saved me from so much heartache, so much self loathing and confusion and several years of therapy. It's weird (to me at least) because I say all this, I feel secure in my decision and yet, I wish them to be as happy as I am. I truly want whats best for my family and as twisted as it seems, I do love them. Reguardless of the years of mental, emotional,verbal,  physical and sexual abuse in my life at the hands of my family in my life.

I'm so Blessed with some amazing friendships that have been so helpful the last 2 weeks for me. For my sweet family being so supportive and understanding and getting so upset simply because they don't like seeing me hurt...only sheds light for me that I am not alone. God put some new people in my life when I needed it most and since being married to Evan, shoot, let's be honest even when we were dating, his family came in with arms open, ready to tackle the hot mess that I was and to show me what love is, what being a family means and just how important I am.

If you've stayed with this emotional disaster of a post to this point, your probably one of the blessings I am talking about. Thanks for all the love, support, comments and encouragements over the last several years as I tackled this subject on and off on the blog. You are all treasure to me.

I promise, the next post will be more cheerful and upbeat! :)
-Britt

Finding the Silver Lining in the middle of the night.

Well, round one of Avery's costume is complete. She and it both survived the church's fall festival with only a few cupcakes gone MIA. I'll take it. There were some tears when putting it all on, I think she was overwhelmed with all the pink and she let Evan and I know she wasn't happy with us making her wear it all by refusing to do anything for us at the festival. Thank goodness for my in-loves, they took her around the majority of the time and she played games and got some candy in return. She was WORN OUT by the time we got back to their house and after a bath she didn't put much of a fuss to go to bed. We all watched the Ranger came before though, we would have kept her up from all our yelling anyways. :) Here's a few pictures....

The Cupcake Fairy's Wings.

Playing some games for candy!

(I bought the wings at wal*mart, cut out paper cupcakes and glued them to her wings, tutu and shoes)

Not too bad right?

Tomorrow we aren't going to do much for Halloween, we're going by a few close friends homes on our way back to Fort Worth for Avery to trick-or-treat at. So far when I get her to try practicing saying "Trick-or-treat" she just shrugs and screams "I Cute!" *Sigh* She's so my daughter.

I can hardly believe that Monday will be NOVEMBER. This year is starting to fly by and it's about to get crazy busy for us but at the same time, I'm welcoming it because it's the start of a new chapter. We're so ready to let all the negative of this year and more so of this season just be gone and done with.

Evan and I have had a hard time staying positive with our struggles financially as of late but one thing remains firm...we do not let Avery see us at our weak moments. She has no idea what's going on with us and that's all I can hope for. I hope she never knows our struggle to bring food home or keep electricity on or how we boil water on the stove to give her a hot bath because we can't afford our gas bill. I hope she never remembers the nights daddy doesn't come in until close to 10pm because he's working late after school so he can try to get more money for us. It hurts to see Evan have this pressure on him when we're both trying so hard. I know it'll pass, I know it's temporary but it's scary to think we don't know how we're going to make ends meet from one week to the next, it's scary to know you have no savings but you have a family and life is ALWAYS unpredictable.

Oh well, nothing to stay sad over, we'll get by like we have the past month (which still amazes me how we've pulled it off and THAT can only be a God thing). I just pray (selfishly) that we can overcome this before Avery's birthday and Christmas, I'd hate to have to cancel her birthday or have a tree with nothing to give her or Evan under it. That'll break my heart and I KNOW that's so ridiculous because it's not about the material things...trust me, I am beyond humbled in the blessings God has given me and I still get overwhelmed when I hear Evan and Avery giggling in another room , or when Avery snuggles with me and whispers she loves me or even just whispers my name with her nose pressing mine. I am rich in blessings, my cup runneth over and that's the only reason my head is still semi-held up with dealing with the scariness of our situation right now.

Which must be obvious because so many people are shocked when they find out what's going on with us. We don't really scream out "We're in need!" in public. I've been reading Isaiah and Proverbs this past week and am searching for the lesson Gods giving me in my life right now. I know this is all part of it and in the end my reaction and how I handle it will be a reflection of my walk with Christ so there's no way I'm taking the chicken way out of it all.

Alright, soapbox time is officially over, just be mindful in your prayers of us please.

You know your getting old when it's barely 11pm on a Saturday night (All Hallows Eve at that) and your about to pass out from sleepiness. We're in for a treat at church in the morning with a country christian band "Branded" doing the morning service at MSBC.I'm looking forward to it. As well as fixing Averys outfit again and going to our friends places tomorrow night.

My sister will be here next Saturday through the 16th and I'm so happy.  I'll get to get some things done while she's here and willing to watch Avery (spoil her more like it) as well as that means after she leaves we're a week from Missouri. Oh, to get out of dodge for a bit and go on a road trip to be with some amazing people is just what my spirit needs!

Happy Halloween Everyone! Be Safe and have fun.

Blessings & Love,
Britt & Co.